Supreme Court Upholds Little Caesar’s Right to Feed Christian Employees to Lions

800px-Okonjima_Lioness
WASHINGTON, DC–The Supreme Court ruled on Monday that Roman-owned
pizza chain Little Caesar’s was within its rights to place Christian employees in an arena and then unleash starved, vicious lions and lionesses upon them. The court cited religious freedom as its guiding principle. The 5-to-4 ruling opened the door to potentially thousands of Christian Little Caesar employees nationwide being immediately fed to the top predators of the African savannah.

Little Caesar’s argued that the persecution of Christians and the feeding of them to ravenous big cats was a “deeply held” religious belief, that the continued survival of the roughly 6,000 Christian employees, as well as the fact that they remained on company payroll, imposed a “substantial financial burden” on their religious liberty.

The 5 conservative Justices agreed. Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr, the author of the majority opinion, wrote:

while it is debatable that some harm may come to any Christians fed to a lion or lioness, there is certainly demonstrable harm being done to these animals that are denied the tasty, nutrient-rich Christians that their diet requires

A Christian employee of the company, Ed Broyles, expressed dismay at the decision. “They’re gonna fuckin’ feed me to a motherfucking lion? But I only ever go to church on like Easter!”, he said, shaking visibly and sweating. “Jesus H Christ on a cracker, I’ve got a fucking family!”

Little Caesar owner and CEO, Little Caesar himself, applauded the ruling. When asked how soon his company would begin killing off its Christian employees he responded, “Carpe Diem.”

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  1. […] Supreme Court Upholds Little Caesar’s Right to Feed Christian Employees to Lions “WASHINGTON, DC–The Supreme Court ruled on Monday that Roman-owned pizza chain Little Caesar’s was within its rights to place Christian employees in an arena and then unleash starved, vicious lions …” […]

  2. […] Supreme Court Upholds Little Caesar?s Right to Feed Christian Employees to Lions Reply With Quote […]

  3. […] The Atlanta Banana facetiously insisted that the Supreme Court ruled that Little Caesar’s Pizza was “within its rights to place Christian employees in an arena and then unleash starved, vicious lions and lionesses upon them.” […]

  4. […] I DON’T really expect to see this, which is obvious parody: SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS LITTLE CAESAR’S RIGHT TO FEED CHRISTIAN EMPLOYEES TO LIONS. Sometimes, the absurdist makes the point in the best […]

  5. […] this ruling doesn’t open it up for business to feed their employees to lions or sacrifice them to Cthulhu, because again, they can’t force you to follow their religion, […]

  6. […] Supreme Court Upholds Little Caesar’s Right to Feed Christian Employees to Lions […]

  7. […] I distinguish this from obvious parody: SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS LITTLE CAESAR’S RIGHT TO FEED CHRISTIAN EMPLOYEES TO LIONS. […]

  8. […] I tried to cover the legal landscape in “How Threatening Is the Hobby Lobby Decision?“. That already ran so long that I didn’t want to extend it with the many satires of the decision. Here are a few: “Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu“, “My Breakup Letter to Hobby Lobby“, and “Supreme Court Upholds Little Caesar’s Right to Feed Christian Employees to Lions“. […]