ATLANTA–Atlanta’s three professional sports teams who played last night, the Braves, the Hawks, and the Falcons, all managed to lose their games, forming a historic triple choke.
Experts are referring to this phenomenon as a “trifuckta.”
Unfortunately, the Atlanta professional women’s basketball team, the Dream, were not able to lose because they did not have a scheduled game last night, but they did post a loss Sunday night at the hands of the Minnesota Lynx.
ATLANTA–The Atlanta Hawks hired a new coach last Tuesday, but we really don’t know if anyone cares. So we’re not even sure why we’re posting this article. That’s why we’re a week late with the story: we just don’t give enough of a shit about submitting it on time. Seriously, how many people in Atlanta actually watched the Hawks suck again this year?
In the playoffs, they lost to a team from Indiana. That’s right, Indiana: a place so boring that it makes North Dakota seem fun.
The Indiana-Atlanta series marked the first time in NBA history that the games were streaming entirely on YouTube, because nobody wanted to invest three whole minutes finding it on television. Old episodes of Roseanne would’ve gotten higher ratings.
Although the new coach, Mike… Somebody, or Something. Who cares — had a somewhat compelling introductory press conference (compelling for the Hawks, we mean, which is like saying a lecture on chalk is compelling).
“I’m excited to continue the mediocrity,” said coach Westillhaven’tcaredenoughtoGooglehislastname. “The Hawks have have a proud tradition of being irrelevant throughout the season, and then becoming just relevant enough to appear for two seconds on SportsCenter before the show goes onto something more interesting, like highlights of women’s college softball.”
A media member asked the coach if he has any ideas on how to lift the Hawks out of the “mire of mediocrity.”
“Yes,” coach Whoever said. “Maybe change the name to the Atlanta Whogivesashits.”
The room fell into a stunned silence. Actually, it was already silent. Because there were only three people there, and two of them were asleep. The other guy was playing Words With Friends on his cellphone. We watched the press conference online. Well, we told an intern to watch it and said we’d waterboard him if he didn’t. He opted for waterboarding. So we just took quotes from some other sports site.
“I mean, really,” the coach said. “Is anyone actually recording this? Is anyone going to… actually, nevermind. I’m done. Even I don’t even care what I’m talking about.”
After well over a century of pretty much just running around for no reason at all while drunk people yell at one another, American team sports have managed to finally do something interesting. Jason Collins, an American sports player of the basketball variety, has come out of the closet as a proud gay man, a move which will hopefully help to advance acceptance of gays the world over.
“I just can’t believe it,” said Stew Bach, plumber. “All these years of farting around on hardwood floors with the squeakiest shoes money can buy and those basketball guys finally get around to actually doing something for humanity as a whole.”
Other major American team sports varieties, most notably American football and baseball, have yet to produce an out gay player, but they definitely should.
ATLANTA — According to a study conducted by Dr. Gno Won, leader of the local Audoban Society chapter, the majority of Atlantans would rather watch hawks, the species of bird, than the Atlanta Hawks, Atlanta’s professional basketball team.
“The results, while understandable, were nonetheless surprising,” said Dr. Won. “We estimated a seventy-thirty split in favor of the Atlanta Hawks, but eighty-nine percent of people claimed they’d rather watch birds.”
Stanley Cherub, a participant in the study, explained his preference. “I mean, sure, they screech really loud and just float around and stare at things… That’s all that stupid team does.”
Dr. Won has a few more theories explaining these rather unexpected results. One factor is high ticket and concession prices. “In Philips Arena, it costs more to buy a bucket of popcorn than a hooker named Philip,” said Dr. Won.
He also mentioned the unenthusiastic, listless, sparse crowds, and how that can affect moral. “You know when you see other people yawn, and it makes you yawn? Well, when you hear the PA announcer yawn, and you see the coach’s eyes half-closed, and there are a couple players asleep on the bench… It makes you wonder why Ticketmaster classifies it as ‘Entertainment.’”
The poll also included a handful of season-ticket holders, many of whom purchased their tickets out of admitted ignorance or sheer stupidity. Some received them as gifts. “My dad bought me a season-ticket package a year ago as a Christmas present,” said Jerry Davenport, a banker in Buckhead. “Most useless thing he’s ever gotten me. I wish he’d just given me a stapler again.”
Davenport, like most of those polled, said he’d “absolutely” rather watch actual hawks. He cited their grace, courage, vision, resilience, killer instinct, speed, and enthusiasm. “I don’t see none of that at ball games,” he said. “There’s more action at an anorexic eating contest.”
NEW YORK CITY–With the news that the New York Jets have added former Broncos quarterback and known annoyingly public Christian Tim Tebow, New York Knicks guard and annoyingly public Christian Jeremy Lin has declared a holy war.
“This town isn’t big enough for two people who love Jesus as much and as publicly as I do, even though technically I love Jesus way more than Tim does,” claimed Lin at a late Thursday press conference. “It’s physically impossible to love our Lord and Savior more than I do. I know, because I tried once and had an aneurysm, God be praised.”
Tebow was traded to the New York Jets on Wednesday for two draft picks, three Hail Marys, and four Our Fathers.
Lin proposed what he called a “Jesus-Off,” an event where the two sports celebrities could battle one-on-one for the title of New York’s Most Valuable Prayer, an accolade coveted by exactly zero other people. According to Lin, the Jesus-Off would consist of a number of individual events, including Prayer Posing, Post-Game Speech Jesus-Mentioning, and Sex Non-Having, among others.
“Everyone thinks that ‘Tebowing’ was so awesome,” complained Lin. “I mean, if a Florida graduate can come up with that, what do you think a Harvard guy can do? My newest pose is the latest in public godbothering, you’ll see. Oh, and widdle Timmy’s a virgin? Please…I just got my Level Seven Virgin certificate in the mail yesterday. I only look at women with peripheral vision, and I have to put God Gloves on when I make pee. Praise Jesus.”
With that, Lin prostrated himself face-down on the ground, arms outstretched yet spinning a regulation basketball on each hand, and began screaming the entire book of Psalms.
The Jesus-Off would necessarily take place sometime in early summer after the NBA season ends but before the start of NFL mini-camps. A venue has not yet been secured; representatives from Madison Square Garden and Met Life Stadium would not stop laughing long enough to comment.
For Tebow’s part, his only reaction to the kerfuffle was to return the “welcome gift” that Lin had sent him: a pair of eye-black stickers emblazoned with the bible verse “Ezekiel 23: 20″ and a note that read simply, “I know what this says, jerk.”