Kiss Me I’m 5% Irish and 100% Gross

http://www.flickr.com/photos/11363370@N02/2343407202

Listen up, bitches. I can trace 5% of my history back to Ireland, so kiss me. It’s St. Patrick’s day! I deserve it. Right, Julie? Haha! Wait… what? Kristin? Okay, Kristin. What the fuck ever. This is my holiday. Hang on. What, Trisha? I’m just hanging out. What are you doing? Just let me have […]

Five Bullshit Business Tips I Whipped Right Out of my Ass

This machine does business. PHOTO: Gnangarra

I want to make money, and I plan to do it through business. You know what I mean when I used the term “business?” I’m talking buy low, sell high. I’m talking retweeting Seth Godin. I’m talking business. Get on the business train with me by ingesting these ten tips I whipped right out of […]

Zoo Atlanta’s “Beasts And Beer Fest” Gets Great Reviews, Drunk Animals

Animals are lucky. They live here. I have to call Uber to get home. PHOTO: JoyTek

ATLANTA–Last Tuesday marked the first inaugural “Beasts and Beer Fest” at Zoo Atlanta. While critics and patrons loved the event, it resulted in a number of drunk animals — that number being “All of them.” “There wash a sign that said Do Not Feed The Animals,” said attendee Steve Bartholemew in slurred speech. “No sign […]

Drunk Trees Target Midtown Cars

A tree after a few too many pints of water. PHOTO: dejee, Flickr

ATLANTA–Trees, tipsy after indulging in a few too many pints of water during a rain storm and out for a bit of juvenile fun, are targeting Midtown cars today, falling on them and endangering their drivers. Reporters spoke with Treebark the Awkward, a local Druid and part-time computer repair technician. “Oooh yes! The trees are […]

Mayor Announces Atlanta 4th Of July Drinking Game: “Fireworks Or Gunshots”

If you get shot while drinking a shot, you win and lose at the same time.

ATLANTA–Atlanta Mayor Joaquin Snead announced the official Independance Day drinking game for 2012 this morning, called “Fireworks or Gunshots.” In it, participants try to guess whether the explosions they are hearing over the Atlanta skyline on the evening of their nation’s birthday are joyful fireworks or incoming small arms fire. “Everyone knows we have a […]

City Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day Because Beer

St. Patrick clutching a sixer.

ATLANTA–Our fair city is drawing breath today to begin celebrating the history of St. Patrick, some kind of a priest or something, in remembrance of his great contributions because beer. Holy shit, so many beers. Harvey Notherwan, Professor of United Kingdom at Emory, confirmed that St. Patrick’s day holds particular significance for Atlantans. “Oh yes, […]

City Prepares for Drinking “Amateur Night”

PHOTO: Nathan in San Diego, Flickr

PONCEY HIGHLANDS — For most of us, New Year’s Eve is a time for happiness. It is a time to gather together with good friends, a time to reflect on the year passed and the one to come. If one plays one’s cards right, it might even be a time to parlay the mood of […]