Atlanta's Serious News Hole
 Partly Cloudy 86°/68° |
ATLANTA — A whirling column of prayers has been reported over the city of Atlanta early this week. Reports are that it is heading in a westerly direction, but there is no confirmation that it has actually made contact with the ground. In fact, though eyewitness reports of the tornado are plentiful, it has failed [...]
ATLANTA–Having given the general public the option of voting on a newer, uglier license plate, Georgia DMV officials announced today that they are disappointed that the finished product didn’t turn out as ugly as anticipated. “Don’t misunderstand me, the new plates are hideous, but not the utter shit bomb we were hoping for,” said DMV [...]
ATLANTA–City engineers are busy this week preparing a gigantic metal plate which will cover the site of the soon to be closed Georgia Dome. The plate, known as Platimus Prime, is essentially an enormous patchwork quilt of lesser plates. It will be installed haphazardly and cause great danger to citizens. “Metal plates are the duct [...]
ATLANTA–Members of the city council, acting on behalf of neighborhood residents, are considering a resolution to “sunset” adult businesses along Cheshire Bridge by the year 2015, which should give the Council just enough time to sober up and possibly even get its driving licenses back. Speaking from the Council’s car, which was weaving erratically in [...]
Atlanta’s profile is on the rise, thanks to some favorable tax incentives for the television and movie industries, and that means we’re seeing a lot more famous people around our streets. This, in turn, means every-day schlubs have a greater chance of running into said celebs and bothering the shit out of them. What’s In [...]
FAIRBURN, GA–Responding quickly and needlessly to last month’s tragic Boston Marathon bombings, the pretend knights of Georgia’s Renaissance Festival have pledged to “spare no measure” in guarding against a similar incident at this year’s fair. “Be not mistaken: should a bootless, milk-livered craven seek to disrupt our revelries, he shall be straightway dispatched!” proclaimed Wes Buchanan, [...]
After well over a century of pretty much just running around for no reason at all while drunk people yell at one another, American team sports have managed to finally do something interesting. Jason Collins, an American sports player of the basketball variety, has come out of the closet as a proud gay man, a [...]
What’s up, dipshits? Just wanted to let you all know that you might be enjoying Spring weather right now, but your old pal Sol is gonna burn your fleshy Atlanta asses to a crisp in just a few short weeks. Oh man, I cannot wait. Let me just tell you. My favorite thing is listening [...]
It seems nearly everyone in our fair city is having a chuckle over Reese Witherspoon’s arrest alongside her manager/husband James Toth this weekend, and we here at the Atlanta Banana do not agree with the sentiment. In fact, we applaud her. Sure, she may have pulled the old do-you-know-who-I-am act, which doesn’t exactly top our [...]
Look, I know we only just met — and I realize that when I say we “just met” what I mean is I only just slunk over here in as creepy a manner as possible — but I would love it if you’d take a look at this slide deck I have drawn these plastic [...]
Recent Comments