Newly Announced Atlanta Soccer Team Already Moving to Cobb County

You soccer you brought her.

ATLANTA, GA–Atlanta’s unnamed new soccer team, announced this week, is already planning a preemptive move to Cobb county, where it will build a stadium, tear it down, and then build a second stadium atop the first. Soccer is known everywhere but America as “football,” much as Americans abroad are known to call themselves “Canadian.” Local […]

SEC Football Fan Enjoys Loss to Rival Team, Politely Says Goodnight to All, Drives Home, Sleeps Soundly

Shall we play a game of foot the ball?

ATLANTA–College football fan Jeff Beaks, a lifelong Alabama football fan, enjoyed a thrilling game against arch rival team Auburn this weekend, then politely said goodnight to assembled friends and fellow sports fans of both teams, drove himself to his home, brushed his teeth, and got into bed where he slept soundly. Beaks was amazed to […]

City Asks Atlanta Falcons to Move to Cobb County

Seriously, guys. Think about moving to Cobb. It's nice there. Ask the Braves. PHOTO: Atlanta Falcons

ATLANTA–The City of Atlanta has issued a statement this morning publicly suggesting that the Falcons football team consider moving their entire operation to Cobb County, just like professional baseball club the Braves. In light of their loss last night to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Falcon’s 2013 performance is officially deemed by the city to […]

City Notices Braves Already Changed Facebook Relationship Status to “Single”

TOO SOON. Photo: Franco Bouly

ATLANTA–The City of Atlanta noticed, while browsing Facebook late Thursday night, that the Braves baseball team has changed its relationship status from “In a relationship,” to “single,” skipping entirely the intermediary “It’s complicated.” Sources close to the Mayor’s office say he and his staff are privately devastated, but are putting on a brave face. “That […]

Braves Hurry to Pack their Stuff Before City Comes Home from Work

We gotta get out of here fast.

TURNER FIELD–Atlanta Braves baseball players, in hopes of avoiding an awkward scene when the City of Atlanta returns from work later tonight, hurriedly packed bases, bats, and other baseball playing paraphernalia in order to ease their move to Cobb County. Though the full move won’t happen until 2017, the Braves are excited about the move […]

Braves Promise Forced March to New Stadium will be Trail of Smiles

Hey, gang. Are you ready to wait in traffic? GOOD.

ATLANTA–The Atlanta Braves baseball team announced yesterday a surprise move from Turner Field, situated near the center of town, to Cobb County, situated near the city’s landfills. The move comes as a surprise to fans, who already struggle to get to the stadium via the city’s nearly nonexistent mass transit. “Trust us, this move may […]

PARKatlanta Announced as Title Sponsor of New Falcons Stadium

Put your money where your car was.

ATLANTA–The city of Atlanta and the Atlanta Falcons announced this morning than parking enforcement corporation PARKatlanta would be the title sponsor of the new Falcon’s stadium. Details concerning the deal are hard to come by at this stage, especially those concerning what this partnership means for the parking situation near the new dome, but PARKatlanta […]

Atlanta Sports Teams Pull Off Historic Triple Choke, or “Trifuckta”

You got a lot of balls, coming in here. PHOTO: Kevin Galens

ATLANTA–Atlanta’s three professional sports teams who played last night, the Braves, the Hawks, and the Falcons, all managed to lose their games, forming a historic triple choke. Experts are referring to this phenomenon as a “trifuckta.” Unfortunately, the Atlanta professional women’s basketball team, the Dream, were not able to lose because they did not have […]

“I Don’t Know, Ask Mommy” Season Kicks Off Tonight

It's good! Unless you're a crying baby with a dirty diaper.

PHOTO:  Avinash Kunnath

ATLANTA–Tonight at 8:30 p.m., the defending Super Bowl champions, the Baltimore Ravens, will face off against the Denver Broncos in Denver to kick off the beginning of “I Don’t Know, Ask Mommy” season. Despite winning last year’s Super Bowl, the Ravens aren’t heavily favored over the Broncos due to losing key veteran players and their […]

Proposed Site for New Falcons Stadium Deemed Too Close to MARTA

This version of the stadium was modeled after Johnny 5's eye from the movie Short Circuit.

ATLANTA–Sources familiar with the ongoing efforts to secure a location for the new Falcon’s football stadium report that a site being closely considered has now been discarded due to being too close to an available MARTA station. “We don’t want people to enjoy professional football easily,” said Ari Thurblanc, Falcon’s spokesman. “It should be a […]