Tags Posts tagged with "sports"


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Pay your fees and like it, citizen.

ATLANTA–Atlanta’s base-related sports team, the Braves, announced yesterday that banking giant SunTrust had won the naming rights for their new Cobb County facility. SunTrust made headlines in June when they agreed to pay nearly $1 billion dollars restitution for underwriting and endorsing mortgage loans whose documents were written on dust balls found under a New York City bachelor’s futon.

The new stadium is intended to be open for the 2017 base sports season which should be nearly enough time for anyone living in town to get there for opening day, if they leave this week.

Tickets will be available through usual channels, and will come with fees intended to add convenience for the ticket purchasers, especially undergraduate college students and the elderly. SunTrust representatives denied allegations that ticket prices should cover operating costs, saying in a statement, “If these fees weren’t great for our customers, we wouldn’t call them ‘convenient.'”

MLB president Hal Lottabalce said the deal with SunTrust would facilitate amenities at the new stadium that wouldn’t have been possible at Turner Field. “Fans are going to enjoy our new complex, with lots of fun things to do before and after the game, such as driving, and then more driving,” said Lottabalce.

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You soccer you brought her.

ATLANTA, GA–Atlanta’s unnamed new soccer team, announced this week, is already planning a preemptive move to Cobb county, where it will build a stadium, tear it down, and then build a second stadium atop the first. Soccer is known everywhere but America as “football,” much as Americans abroad are known to call themselves “Canadian.”

Local soccer fans, used to gathering in chain restaurants with Irish pub decor early in the morning to watch European matches, rejoiced at their chance to cheer an Atlanta soccer team on a national level.

“I’d enjoy watching a live soccer game in the afternoon,” said Reid Caird, East Atlanta resident. “I drink all morning regardless, but I try to do all my bellowing after lunch.”

Sources close to the team say the move makes a lot of sense.

“What you have to understand is that major league sports are paid for almost entirely by the automotive industry,” said Andy Shay, ball sports pundit and alpaca enthusiast. “It behooves any major league American sports team to emphasize driving as much as possible.”

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Shall we play a game of foot the ball?

ATLANTA–College football fan Jeff Beaks, a lifelong Alabama football fan, enjoyed a thrilling game against arch rival team Auburn this weekend, then politely said goodnight to assembled friends and fellow sports fans of both teams, drove himself to his home, brushed his teeth, and got into bed where he slept soundly.

Beaks was amazed to overhear coworkers acerbic discussions about the game on Monday morning.

“I can’t believe they are still talking about it,” said Beaks. “I mean, I enjoyed it and all, but it’s just a game college kids play.”

Beaks, a public defender, revealed that the most important things in his life are his relationships with his family, his friends, and the work to which he’d devoted his adult life.

“I’m just glad we had a good game,” he said. “Sometimes one team is way better than the other and there’s a blowout. Or both offenses suck and the defenses are great so there’s no score at all. I’ll still watch those games of course, but, win or lose, I prefer a great contest.”

Beaks then resumed applying his efforts to the normal challenges of his life, assisted by a loving family and trusted network of colleagues and friends.

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Seriously, guys. Think about moving to Cobb. It's nice there. Ask the Braves. PHOTO: Atlanta Falcons

ATLANTA–The City of Atlanta has issued a statement this morning publicly suggesting that the Falcons football team consider moving their entire operation to Cobb County, just like professional baseball club the Braves. In light of their loss last night to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Falcon’s 2013 performance is officially deemed by the city to be “shitty.”

“We were all saddened and hurt to learn that the Braves wanted to move out,” said Dave Jacobs, Mayor’s office spokesperson. “But it gave us an idea. We’d like them to take the Falcons with them to Cobb County.”

Jacobs went on to state that if the Falcons intend to have another season as bad as this one next year, the city wouldn’t mind if the Falcons went even farther, such as to Bartow or Cherokee counties.

As for the team itself, several players and members of the coaching staff have announced that 2014 will be a confidence building year during which the team will perfect its skills by winning games against college teams, high school teams, and blind teams.

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TOO SOON. Photo: Franco Bouly

ATLANTA–The City of Atlanta noticed, while browsing Facebook late Thursday night, that the Braves baseball team has changed its relationship status from “In a relationship,” to “single,” skipping entirely the intermediary “It’s complicated.”

Sources close to the Mayor’s office say he and his staff are privately devastated, but are putting on a brave face.

“That was awfully fast,” said Dave Jacobs, City of Atlanta spokesperson, his eyes red and puffy. “I mean, yeah, we’re broken up or whatever, but they could have handled it a bit better. I just, you know, we all just wish them, uh…” Jacobs took a moment to control his cracking voice, clenching a fist in front of his mouth. “We wish them well.”

Jacobs also said the City of Atlanta has realized that the Braves have been tagged a lot lately in party situations with Cobb County. The city thought nothing of the photos, but now it seems like they are evidence that the Braves have been “checked out for a long time.”

The Braves and the City of Atlanta will awkwardly continue to live together through the term of their lease, which runs out in 2017. Neither party wishes to pay the early termination fees.

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We gotta get out of here fast.

TURNER FIELD–Atlanta Braves baseball players, in hopes of avoiding an awkward scene when the City of Atlanta returns from work later tonight, hurriedly packed bases, bats, and other baseball playing paraphernalia in order to ease their move to Cobb County. Though the full move won’t happen until 2017, the Braves are excited about the move and want to get as much as they can done without it being awkward.

“This is all on the level, and the city of Atlanta knows it’s over,” said Braves spokesperson Noah Moe Parkin, “But it would still be super awkward to do this right in front of the City’s face.”

The Braves realize it looks like someone’s been packing stuff around here, and made an attempt to put things back where they go as best they could.

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Hey, gang. Are you ready to wait in traffic? GOOD.

ATLANTA–The Atlanta Braves baseball team announced yesterday a surprise move from Turner Field, situated near the center of town, to Cobb County, situated near the city’s landfills. The move comes as a surprise to fans, who already struggle to get to the stadium via the city’s nearly nonexistent mass transit.

“Trust us, this move may take us even farther from MARTA, but that doesn’t mean it’s not smarta,” said Otto Fizmind, Braves team spokesperson.

Though Atlanta’s rail transit is dense nowhere in the city, Cobb County represents the worst of the bad. Fearing the city’s non-whites would use mass transit to travel to their suburban neighborhoods to sell drugs and commit gang violence near their one-brick-wall-on-the-road-side homes, Cobb residents voted down the referendum to fund MARTA.

The lack of easy access to mass transit doesn’t seem to faze the Braves, however.

“It’s going to be so great,” said Fizmind. “Really! Just awesome. You’re gonna love it. And if you don’t, well, we’re doing it anyway.”

Fizmind also hinted that once the new Cobb stadium is built, construction of a second Braves stadium on the surface of the planet Venus will begin, where anyone who can afford to attend will be crushed to death by the planet’s fearsome atmospheric pressure.

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Put your money where your car was.

ATLANTA–The city of Atlanta and the Atlanta Falcons announced this morning than parking enforcement corporation PARKatlanta would be the title sponsor of the new Falcon’s stadium. Details concerning the deal are hard to come by at this stage, especially those concerning what this partnership means for the parking situation near the new dome, but PARKatlanta spokesman Taye Picketts says this is the best possible scenario for everyone.

“And by ‘everyone’ I mean, of course, PARKatlanta, the officials we bought, and the team owners,” said Picketts.

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ATLANTA–Atlanta’s three professional sports teams who played last night, the Braves, the Hawks, and the Falcons, all managed to lose their games, forming a historic triple choke.

Experts are referring to this phenomenon as a “trifuckta.”

Unfortunately, the Atlanta professional women’s basketball team, the Dream, were not able to lose because they did not have a scheduled game last night, but they did post a loss Sunday night at the hands of the Minnesota Lynx.

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It's good! Unless you're a crying baby with a dirty diaper. PHOTO: Avinash Kunnath

ATLANTA–Tonight at 8:30 p.m., the defending Super Bowl champions, the Baltimore Ravens, will face off against the Denver Broncos in Denver to kick off the beginning of “I Don’t Know, Ask Mommy” season.

Despite winning last year’s Super Bowl, the Ravens aren’t heavily favored over the Broncos due to losing key veteran players and their inexperienced wide receiving corps. Many are blaming this on Joe Flacco’s massive new $120.6 million contract, especially when many of the nation’s fathers could have easily been where Flacco is today if they hadn’t blown out their damn knee in that big homecoming game senior year.

In addition, Peyton Manning is still widely considered to be one of the best quarterbacks in the game, even at the age of 37.

“I think Peyton’s going to have a great season,” said Thomas Roundtree of Tucker, GA while brushing his daughter’s hair. “I mean, he’s getting old, but he’s still … Jesus, Sophie. I’m not brushing your hair that hard. Stop crying.”

Tonight’s game marks the beginning of an exciting, 17-week display of heart, raw athleticism, thrilling come-from-behind victories and complete and utter paternal neglect.

As of press time, representatives from both teams have expressed high hopes of making it to “Mommy And Daddy Are Taking A Break, But It Has Nothing To Do With You” playoff season.