Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA–Our City Council approved plans this week to allow a 20 story Ferris Wheel to move from Pensacola, FL to Atlanta, where it will facilitate easy and orderly panhandling of our city’s tourists. Currently, downtown panhandlers are forced to approach potential change givers wherever they can be found, typically on sidewalks, in parking decks, or [...]
Atlanta’s profile is on the rise, thanks to some favorable tax incentives for the television and movie industries, and that means we’re seeing a lot more famous people around our streets. This, in turn, means every-day schlubs have a greater chance of running into said celebs and bothering the shit out of them. What’s In [...]
Okay, look, guys, I realize I just popped into existence here, but why do I, a zombie lying in a fiery pit, have 24 gold pieces? Am I about to skip down to the shops for a fancy hat to wear on Sundays? Ha! Not likely. Nope, my only job is to lie here in [...]
ATHENS, GA — The final B-52, Kate Pierson, after more than 36 years of service left Athens today for retirement to Warner-Robins AFB in Georgia. “It is a truly sad time when we decommission a musician,” said Lt. Col. Bill Stamper, 5th Maintenance Group deputy commander. “But, Kate has served her country well and has [...]
ATLANTA–Radio listeners are ecstatic this morning at the news that yet more shitty top 40 radio will be sprayed out over the city like some kind of gross fog. Sick to death of driving to and from work and singing along with such artists as Metallica and AC/DC, listeners will now be waging war with [...]
The Atlanta Police Department are putting their vast resources to good use today in Atlantic Station as was evident by the vast amounts of SWAT, Special Response Units and even the mounted patrol. August marks the spot on the calendar when Atlantic Station institutes its new rules, meant to “better the environment” of the once [...]
ATLANTA – Though up-and-coming actor Adam Baum’s Facebook page has his current location set to Los Angeles, Val Vita, Regional Sales Manager for Southeastern Mutual Life, told reporters Tuesday that she and fellow co-workers were surprised when he appeared as their lunchtime server at Murphy’s Restaurant in the Virginia Highlands neighborhood of Atlanta. “It was [...]
WSB BUILDING–Celebrated Atlanta conservative radio journalist Neal Boortz, 67, will retire next year, to be replaced by Herman Cain, a fresh young upstart just 66 years of age. Cain, having completed his media trial-by-fire by bravely outliving a scandal spurred by allegations of improper naughty touchey, will still be visited by and receive advice from [...]
ATLANTA–Tickets for the popular Atlanta music festival Music Midtown now feature lowered online “convenience fees,” costing only a single severed finger. Concert promoters have hinted that future fees may go back up to a whole hand or even most of a limb, so interested citizens should shut up and pay. The single-finger figure is for [...]
UNKNOWN HILLTOP–Ryan Seacrest, television personality and Dunwoody native, ascended to the top of a vaguely Scottish-looking hill last night, dressed in a belted trenchcoat with epaulets. Throwing his arms wide and screaming as lightening bolts played around him, he assumed the full power of Dick Clark. Clark, who fought his first battle on the Scottish [...]
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