Atlantans Would Rather Watch Actual Hawks than Atlanta Hawks

Soarers gonna soar, y'all. PHOTO: Jesse Taylor

ATLANTA — According to a study conducted by Dr. Gno Won, leader of the local Audoban Society chapter, the majority of Atlantans would rather watch hawks, the species of bird, than the Atlanta Hawks, Atlanta’s professional basketball team. “The results, while understandable, were nonetheless surprising,” said Dr. Won. “We estimated a seventy-thirty split in favor [...]

Atlanta Weave Thieves Building Massive Nest for Osama Bird Laden

The early terrorist gets the worm.

ATLANTA–Atlanta police spokesman Doug Nutt announced to assembled reporters that the arch plan of the so-called “Weave Thieves” was finally discovered this week when an alleged member of the notorious smash-and-grab gang was apprehended. “Thanks to some fine police work, the grace of God, and a little luck, we have managed to not only detain [...]

Ornithologist Spites Couple, Corrupts Nephew With Lewd Bird Names

A "Large-breasted Gutterslut" visits the Crowders' backyard

AUSTELL — A South Cobb couple suspects that their son has been taught erroneous, often lewd bird names for a school project.  Steve and Alicia Crowder, through their lawyer, have formally accused Steve’s brother, Dennis Crowder, an ornithologist with the Georgia Environmental Protection Division, of intentionally providing false bird names to their son Cole strictly [...]