Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA — Though he reportedly “never thought [he’d] do this type of thing,” Buckhead resident Chris Holsbrook is now openly looking for love via a popular online dating website. “I have a wide array of interests, and I don’t have trouble meeting people,” insisted Holsbrook. “But I’m getting tired of the bar scene, and the [...]
ATLANTA–A former couple is waging a bitter passive aggressive bliss war via their Brookhaven condo association Facebook page. Jake Siffard and Maria Chundle, previously known by their couple name “Siffdle,” dissolved their romantic partnership in March, citing “irreconcilable differences” and “assholeness” respectively. “We just grew apart, I guess,” said Siffard. “These things happen.” “He’s an [...]
We here at the Atlanta Banana realize that our readers love hard hitting news, but they love doin’ it even more. That’s why we reached out far and wide to our correspondents for some Fall in Atlanta pickup lines to spice up any dating scene. Take a look at the list below, memorize them, find [...]
My 5 years as a wine salesman have taught me that if you want to make the sale, you’ve got to have a plan. Luckily, there’s nothing women love more than a good business agenda. Que Romantico, am I right ladies?! That’s what makes my Courtship Agenda so appealing to literally several women in town, [...]
ATLANTA–A team of behavioral scientists have announced the results of a five-year study today, which are that the so-called Friend Zone can not be escaped with current dating technology. The team released a lengthy report on their findings, from which this quote is drawn: We studied friend-zoned chumps from all walks of life, using cameras, [...]
MARIETTA — Hello, humans. Clark Sealby here with an open letter just so everyone knows what’s going on. Valentine’s is approaching once again — like a crappy unskippable cutscene in a mediocre game — and before you guys tell me to get out of the house and “meet people,” just realize that I am single [...]
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