Comcast Holiday Party Planned for This Thursday or Friday or Saturday

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ATLANTA–Cable monopoly and customer annoying service Comcast announced their Atlanta service area holiday party will take place at their corporate headquarters this Thursday, or maybe Friday, but certainly no later than Friday, except possibly as observed by those persons who consider Saturday to be later than Friday.

“It’s just such a great time,” said CEO Deedee Weirbachs. “I look forward to it every year. We do so wish we could plan an exact time, but that’s just not how we do things.”

Weirbachs said the cable giant is pulling out all the stops for its employees.

“One of our most treasured holiday traditions is when we hire actors to pose as our customer base, dress them up like Santa or Ms. Claus, then charge our call center employees a small fee to punch and kick them senseless,” said Weirbachs. “Sometimes even our executives get in a kick or two!”

The proceeds of the Kick a Customer Santa game will go to Comcast’s “It’s About Time” charity, which distributes cash payouts to needy government agencies who could potentially oversee Comcast’s merger with Time Warner.

“It’s a great cause,” said Weirbachs. “I mean, we’re already a monopoly. Why not let us be a bigger monopoly? What are you, anti business?”