Local Idiot Looking For St. Patrick’s Day Bar That Isn’t “Full of Idiots”

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PHOTO: Sean-Franc Strang

DUNWOODY, GA–Local idiot Daniel Burtson announced this week via social media that he is seeking recommendations for places to enjoy St. Patrick’s Day that wouldn’t be full of people exactly like himself.

“I’m looking for a place to drink a green beer and get a little loose without a bunch of loud drunks around,” said Burtson. He went on to say that he would prefer that whatever establishment he chooses be full of single females looking to meet up with boozy idiots. “I went to a few places last year by myself and they were just full of a bunch of drunk dudes staring around at one another. I don’t want to do that again.”

Burtson then gave a description of “douchebags” he’d like to avoid while celebrating the holiday, which was an exact description of his attire at the time as well as his mannerisms when inebriated.

Owner and proprietor of O’Mallahanney’s, Decklin Irishfella, said he understood Burtson’s concerns, but the holiday presents a unique opportunity for him.

“I love St. Patrick’s Day so much. I get to meet so many idiots and douchebags who aren’t regulars, yet somehow want to be treated like regulars. It’s an exciting challenge for me and my staff to keep them happy, even though we’ll never see them again.”

Burtson said O’Mallahanney’s was on his list to check out. “Yeah, I heard that place is good, but my coworker threw up all over a table and the floor last year and they acted like he was a dick. I mean, come on. Give the guy a break. He’s got the flu or something.”