ATLANTA-Heart disease charity volunteer Cindy Burntle is hopeful that after a few years “grinding it out” with a local heart disease organization she can upgrade to a cancer charity. Burntle, 34 and mother of two, says she got started volunteering with her kids and stuck with it.

“Heart Disease is okay for now,” said Burntle, “I’m super passionate about it. But I want to make my way into the bright lights of a cancer charity within the next year or two.” According to Burntle, cancer charities get the most traction with donators as well as all the best locations for fundraisers.

Burntle’s current organization, Heart Felled LLC, recently held a charity golf tournament weekend that raised $504. She estimates a cancer organization could have commanded a much nicer golf course, possibly with a celebrity appearance. She said, “The problem with heart disease is, even though it kills a lot of people, when you die of it you’re just dead. You’re not hanging around for months or years where people can watch you waste away. For that reason alone, cancer has much better marketing.”

Cancer charity director Paula Feisswater says Burntle has a chance if she can build an following on social media — or, even better — contacts in the business community. “It looks like she’s well on her way,” said Feisswater. “In a few years she might be ready for the big show.”

ATLANTA-A new Atlanta startup with a bold business model that eschews typical offerings like products or services will focus exclusively on meetings.

“We’ve taken the best part of business and made it our whole focus,” said Co-Founder and CEO Richard Ragsdale. “I can’t believe no one has thought of this before. Think about how much gets accomplished in a typical 20 minute business meeting when everyone is focused and there’s a clear purpose, agenda, and actionable items. Now, what if you take the most important component of that meeting - time - and multiply it? There are no diminishing returns.”

Ragsdale’s initial vision of the company is shared by his Co-Founder and current COO, Barry Oldman, who has an impressive resume of middle management. “I was leading a grueling meeting to combat floundering morale, and I saw the broken, defeated faces of my underlings,” said Oldman. “That’s when it hit me: I have nothing important to contribute, but meetings make me feel like I have control. We should do this all the time!”

“Our meetings run the gamut,” said Boris Snorsky, Vice President of Operations. “Budgeting, employee evaluation, marketing, dress code, sexual harassment - we have every type of meeting there is. In fact, our Research & Design people are in meetings now thinking of new types of meetings. We’re on the cutting edge of meeting technology.”

The company, formerly operating as Meetings ‘R Us, but is having a meeting next week to vote on a proposed name change to Meetr. “That ‘r’ with no ‘e’ thing is hot right now,” said Mark Edding, Vice President of Social Media. “I’m thinking of changing my name to Mrk.” [As of press time we understand that Meetr is already an app, so the startup will be forced to switch to something else. -Ed.]

After an abysmal first quarter, the executive board are discussing options for revenue streams and are taking their cues from some of the world’s largest corporations, according to CFO William Moneywhistle. “Amazon is one of the most successful companies ever, and they didn’t turn a profit for their first 12 years. I think we can double that.”

[Submitted by Nathan G. Lee (@nathanglee). More of his work at his site: http://whereitgetsawkward.blogspot.com/)]

If you think for one minute that I am going to go in the WOMEN’S BATHROOM to do what I do, you are not only sadly mistaken, but a stupid-ass liberal besides. I am a man. I use the men’s bathroom. And when I’m in there, I proudly smear feces around on the walls.

Oh sure, sometimes I also write poop poems with a sharpie. In my more fluid moments I do peepee all over the place. But mostly I just smear my feces on the wall. None of those activities are ever going to be pursued in a women’s bathroom. Why? Because I am a MAN. I have a PENIS. I understand that GENDER is something you are BORN WITH.

You can’t just DECIDE TO BE A DIFFERENT GENDER. Choices are for things like your SEXUALITY, okay? Get it right!

By the way, if you are a proper, conservative Christian FEMALE who was BORN A FEMALE and you are interested in — or, hopefully, already engaged with — the smearing of feces on the walls at Target, hit me up here. We’d make a great team.

This feces isn’t going to smear itself. Trust me.

ATLANTA, GA-GOP legislators, indignant over Governor Deal’s veto of the “religious liberty” legislation which aimed to take the state’s civil rights back to the stone age, have sent a clear message of disapproval to the Governor by vowing to thoroughly and publicly piss their pants.

“Our voices must be heard,” shouted Rasmus Burnsickle. “If the gays are allowed basic human decency in this state, we will all piss right into our suit pants in front of God and everybody!”

The Governor vetoed the bill after an overwhelming outpouring of disapproval from multinational corporations who do business in the state. The companies threatened to take their business, jobs, and tax dollars elsewhere if the law passed. Detractors read the law’s language and interpreted it to mean limitations for same sex couples. But Republicans say it is their religious right to force other people to follow their religious beliefs.

Bernard “Handsy” MacSeeder spoke at length. “I don’t really like coffee but I want to make sure I have a lot of pee because I am very upset about these gays and I have never kissed one of them on the mouth. Not once! Not even at UGA. I don’t care what Brad says with his gorgeous lying lips, that son of a bitch. I’ll piss my pants!”

The assembled officials chorused approval.

Burnsickle threatened via twitter to not only piss his pants, but to make sure he’d recently eaten asparagus so that the governor would have to deal with the bad smell.

The pants-pissing motion carried overwhelmingly.

Listen here, all you snot-nosed little shits running by, ignoring the signs that say to walk: I am a glyptodon, a giant fucking Pleistocene armadillo, and I demand what meager attention you have that hasn’t been dulled by television, public schooling, and a life of relative ease absent the threats of meteorological cataclysm and glaciation. I may not be as large as the other Pleistocene megafauna that you’re rushing past me to see in this here natural history museum, but I’m still megafauna, goddammit, and I’m so fucking tired of being disregarded!

I see you over there in your little groups, gawking at the mastodon, which you and your stupid teachers and field trip chaperones keep calling a wooly mammoth. Well get a clue, dipshits: Mastodons and wooly mammoths aren’t the same things. While they do have a common lineage and many similarities, mastodons evolved much earlier than wooly mammoths, they were smaller than wooly mammoths, and—most importantly, scientists say—they chewed their food differently than mammoths fucking did.

You see, mammoths had ridged molars that allowed them to cut through vegetation and eat grass, whereas mastodons had nipple-like cones on their molars that allowed them to grind woody shrubs and motherfucking branches. In fact, this detail is so important that mastodons are named for their teeth: Mastos is Greek for “breast,” and odontos is for “tooth,” so mastodon literally means “breast tooth.” Like I said, these breast-like shapes helped the mastodons get wood and—

Oh, you little smartasses think that’s funny? Well here’s something else you might find funny: While you’re laughing about breasts and wood and trying to climb the ribcage of the plesiosaur, you’re missing valuable information at my display that’ll be on your tests! So if I were you, I’d get over here and read about the shape of my teeth. Glypto, you might be interested to know, means “curved,” and no, you childish boobs, that isn’t a reference to the way I get wood, it’s a reference to—

What’s that, Mrs. Jones? I’m not on the test? Well exactly why the fuck not? Just because I’m not the enormous tyrannosaurus skeleton that you and your ignorant students keep fawning over does not mean that my horny body—

Oh, laugh it up, you little dickheads! I just wish for a second, just a goddamn second, that the megalodon jaw you’re all leaping through would turn back into the largest shark the world has ever seen and chase you down to swallow you all whole. You bet your asses you’d all be over here seeking cover in my dome-like shell, trying to protect yourselves the way your ancestors did during inclement weather. Do you think I’d give two shits, though? I wouldn’t. I’d let you get eaten.

Anyway, it’s becoming abundantly clear that jumping the bones of gigantic carnivores is more important to you than the fact that, though I look like a turtle, I can’t withdraw my head and—

You little snots sure are something! I am done with you and your snickering. Fortunately, every part of my body is rock hard, and your sophomoric jokes can’t penetrate—

Goddammit, you infantile shits, that fucking does it! I’d weep for the future if I weren’t extinct!

Adding His voice to the growing chorus of dissent over HB 757, the Lord God said in a statement earlier today that He will permanently leave Georgia if the controversial bill is signed.

“This bill is an affront to My people. I will not support, in any way, the sanctioning of discrimination against my LGBT children, no matter what incentives or tax breaks the state of Georgia offers.”

The Almighty’s words echo those of major studios such as Marvel, 21st Century Fox, and Disney, who have all threatened to relocate should Governor Deal sign the bill — not to mention the increasing number of celebrities who have vowed not to work in Georgia should the bill become law.

The so-called “religious liberty” bill, currently awaiting action from the governor, would grant faith-based groups the right to deny service to individuals or groups to whom they object. Such organizations could also refuse to hire or retain employees whose lifestyles are deemed objectionable by those organizations.

The Great I Am went further in His statement condemning the legislation:

“As Creator of the Universe, I have always been committed to diversity and inclusion for all. While I would be disappointed to abandon the good works I have begun in Georgia, I will not compromise My integrity through even tacit approval of a bill that so corrupts My good and loving nature.”

When asked where He would go in the event that HB 757 becomes law, the Almighty answered, “I dunno. Louisiana, I guess? I heard New Orleans is pretty cool.”