TSA Announces Agents Can Now Earn Grope Miles

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TSA Agent on id checking (non groping) duty. PHOTO: www.zleak.com

COLLEGE PARK–The Transportation Safety Administration has announced today that agents feeling up passengers on flights can now earn reward miles for each grope, redeemable for Starbucks gift cards, iTunes gift cards, or early bird meal discounts at the airport food court.

“We want nothing more than to extend our perfect record of utterly humiliating every American citizen or visitor we can,” said Mr. I. Grabder, TSA spokesperson. “These rewards will help our agents by increasing their awareness of where passengers can hide shreds of dignity, so the agent can then dig that dignity out with a finger.”

Agents are to be awarded on a points system based on where on the passenger’s body they can insert their hands. For example, tweaking a passenger’s nipple awards fifty Grope Miles, good for a pumpkin spiced latte or a sandwich from the refrigerated case, but an extra ten points are awarded if the nipples is a man’s.

“Pretty much everyone agrees that dude nipples are gross, but this is somehow our duty to the country, so we do what we must,” said Grabder.

Any kind of junk rustling or butt crack wiggling earns up to 75 Grope Miles, good for an extra large flavored coffee with whipped cream or food court spaghetti dinner with fountain Coke products.