Sherriff With Slightly Less Felonies Concedes Election

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Hey how many felonies do you have? Twenty? Get with it, pardner! PHOTO: Melvin Schlubman

CLAYTON CTY–Former Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain, with only 36 felony counts, was forced to concede the race for office last week when his opponent announced possession of whopping 37 felonies.

“It’s heartbreaking to lose by a single felony,” said Coltrain at a press conference late Wednesday, “I guess I should have dragged one of the bodies across state lines, or threatened another witness or something. We’re just going to regroup and try again during the next election cycle.”

Coltrain is accused of racketeering, theft, murder, theft of a murder, public indecency, private indecency, embezzlement, and livestock adultery.

Though the Sheriff’s office in Clayton county normally takes a back seat role to other law enforcement agencies, Coltrain realized early in his term that a dozen or so felonies just weren’t going to cut it.

“My opponent really ran a tough race,” Coltrain said. “He was committing felonies left and right when he wasn’t even in office. That’s bold. I waited until I was elected to start committing them and I see now that was a mistake.”

Stay tuned for the next election cycle when candidates might have to murder innocent children in the streets to have a hope of capturing the voting public’s attention.