NORTH POLE–World’s only reverse burglar Santa Claus held a press conference this morning outside his North Pole home to announce to the world that he is a gay man, and he and the bisexual Mrs. Claus have an open marriage.
“Only now in, in the year 2013, do we feel we can live as we truly are,” said Santa, tears in his eyes. “All this time, my biggest beard was really Mrs. Claus.” The jolly old elf went on to thank Mrs. Claus at length for her long standing faith in their mutually beneficial arrangement, saying that she could have lived quite happily as a lesbian all this time.
World leaders have reached out to Santa to offer their congratulations and warm remarks, with the notable exception of President of Russia Vladimir Putin, who has ordered all images of Santa Claus replaced with shirtless depictions of himself.
“Well, you can’t please everyone,” said Rudolph, lead reindeer of Santa’s sleigh. “It’s not like it’s been a big secret. Red velvet suit? Loves decorations? Come on.”
The Atlanta Banana would like to formally congratulate Santa Claus and state publicly that we look forward to many fabulous Christmases to come.
Beast like alpine Yule monster Krampus was unavailable for comment.