Saber-tooth Tiger Attacks 5 in Virginia Highlands, Says It Saw Cavemen

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A caveman, or more appropriately, cavebro, stalks North Highland Avenue PHOTO: Jamin Gray

ATLANTA — A saber-tooth tiger, a species long believed to be extinct, attacked five people in Virginia Highlands on Wednesday. When asked what prompted the attacks, the tiger said, “I thought I saw cavemen.”

“We were really surprised [about the tiger’s emergence],” said Bellamy Skonce, head of paleontology department at Georgia Tech. “But regarding its appearance in Virginia Highlands, that’s not too shocking. With all the beards and long hair, there’s an abundance of similar physical characteristics between the people who lived in the saber-tooth tiger’s time and the present day. That is to say: People in the Highlands look like cavemen, and cavemen are an historical enemy of the tiger.”

The tiger made a public address as it stood on the courthouse steps on Wednesday, immediately following preliminary hearings for assault charges.“I was the only one of my kind who ventured out into the public, because I couldn’t stand it anymore… I saw those cavemen walking around everyday, and it’s my instinct to go after them. Can I be blamed for that? I’m a damn saber-tooth tiger. Cavemen killed my brother and sister. And my cousin, Ralph. I miss that dude.”

The tiger claimed that, contrary to popular opinion, its species never truly went extinct, although its numbers declined dramatically as the species went into hiding. “We were never really gone,” the tiger said. “We’ve been here a while, just wandering around, minding our own business for a couple thousand years, learning to talk and read. We’re big fans of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.”

Protests have been organized for the tiger’s release from custody. Many people believe the tiger was well within its rights when it attacked.

Jack Berry, one of the victims, has even sided with the tiger. “I totally get it,” he said. “Look at my hair. It’s down to my waist. I haven’t trimmed my beard in seven years. I look like I should be rubbing two sticks together and throwing rocks at pterodactyls. Or riding a stegosaurus.”

Berry is not pressing charges. Brent Underwood, another victim, is also not pressing charges, but that is because he cannot receive financial restitution. “It’s a tiger. Can’t get money from tigers,” he said as he played with his chest-length beard. “Although I guess I can get its fangs or something. Maybe put ‘em in my hair. That’d look cool, right? I was already going for a caveman look. Never really considered the consequences, though.”

Officers will not divulge the identities of the other three victims, who pressed charges, for fear of vengeance from other saber-tooth tigers. “The guys look like they should be living in one-thousand-twenty-four B.C.,” said one officer. “No question more tigers would go after them.”

“I was just doing what I was made to do,” the tiger said. “I hope the public can accept that. And maybe the males in your species will start looking like regular people and not guys who were just thawed out from a glacier. It’s hard to tell the difference.”