Now That the Zombies are Actually Here, I Regret Saying I Would Fight Them

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Ow, being eaten from the fingers up really kind of hurts. PHOTO: Thomas M. Eckrich

I had a lot of fun putting stickers on my car that say “Zombie Elimination Team,” but now that there’s an actual international outbreak that is steadily wiping out humanity, I regret it very much. I mean, whatever this thing is, it’s decimated our military and police, and those guys have actual training.

I dumped all my funny zombie tee shirts as soon as shit got real, but everyone in my neighborhood knows I love zombie stuff. At first it was just jokes. “Hey, Paul, what if thing is really zombies, huh? Guess you’re pretty prepared?” All the joking stopped when the TV news crews quit broadcasting. The TV just played a loop telling everyone to barricade themselves near a water source. Then the power went out. Soon the gasoline will be gone and the generators will go too.

I’m so scared. They make me go on patrols looking for zombies in my car since it already has all the stickers on it. I drive outside the fence and they watch to make sure I go all the way around. I haven’t slept through the night in days because of the adrenaline and fear.

I really regret being an amateur zombie enthusiast. When the horde comes I will certainly be the first to die. Fuck. I wish I’d at least learned to shoot or something. For all my talk about Glocks I’m even not sure if this thing is on safety or not.