Newly Announced Atlanta Soccer Team Already Moving to Cobb County

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You soccer you brought her.

ATLANTA, GA–Atlanta’s unnamed new soccer team, announced this week, is already planning a preemptive move to Cobb county, where it will build a stadium, tear it down, and then build a second stadium atop the first. Soccer is known everywhere but America as “football,” much as Americans abroad are known to call themselves “Canadian.”

Local soccer fans, used to gathering in chain restaurants with Irish pub decor early in the morning to watch European matches, rejoiced at their chance to cheer an Atlanta soccer team on a national level.

“I’d enjoy watching a live soccer game in the afternoon,” said Reid Caird, East Atlanta resident. “I drink all morning regardless, but I try to do all my bellowing after lunch.”

Sources close to the team say the move makes a lot of sense.

“What you have to understand is that major league sports are paid for almost entirely by the automotive industry,” said Andy Shay, ball sports pundit and alpaca enthusiast. “It behooves any major league American sports team to emphasize driving as much as possible.”