Marietta Man Finds “Special Doll” Among Daughter’s Tea Party Guests

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If you're willing to do it with a doll, why not just hump your couch? PHOTO: epSos.de, Flickr

MARIETTA–Alarm and hastily-made-up reasons for ending a nice tea party resulted Tuesday afternoon when a Marietta man found his “special doll” propped up at his daughter’s tea party. Sources reported that the innocent child “had no idea, thank God.”

“I just don’t think I can look at Tawny the same way ever again,” lamented Capt. R. Kreepey, retired pilot and father. “Now that I’ve seen her in the same room as my daughter, nothing will ever be the same.”

Tawny, the doll in question, is designed to recreate the appearance, texture, and weight of the human female. Sources report the doll to be “eerily lifelike.”

When asked to go into greater detail about his uses for the doll, Kreepey was vague.

“Oh, you know, companionship, that kind of thing,” he said, shifting uneasily. “Look, I wasn’t always married, you know, and er… Tawny and I, uh… are companions.”

His wife, Jenny, however, was very direct.

“I’ve told Roger a million times to get rid of that stupid doll, and now I’m putting my foot down. I will not have my daughter growing up sharing her imaginary tea with it,” she stated. “In fact, I was just going to drag it down to the street and wait for the city to it her away, but what would the neighbors think?”

“I made him put it in a lawn bag and put that down at the street with a sign that says ‘Not a Corpse,'” she added, glaring at her husband. “Can’t wait to see how the garbage guys handle that one.”

After a lengthy pause, Capt. Kreepey added, “I get the feeling there’s going to be a hell of a lot less companionship around here.”