BROOKHAVEN–Gil Zibestfrend has announced his deep regret at using his one genie wish on the ability to poop diamonds. Expressing displeasure at the frequent requests from friends and family members to produce gem-quality stones, Zibestfrend pleaded for peace.
“My friends and family members,” Zibestfrend announced at a press conference on the lawn of his Brookhaven home on Monday afternoon, “please understand that I need a break. I can no longer poop diamonds on command for you.”
Citing concerns for his health, but also stress due to loss of quality of life, Zibestfriend, formerly a computer keyboard bedazzler and now a gentleman of leisure, has hired an assistant to manage his communications, turning away all but his most trusted inner circle.
“It all goes back to that damn genie,” confided Zibestfrend to Atlanta Banana reporters. “I was partying with two of my buddies overseas. We got pretty drunk, ended up buying this beat up lamp from some crazy street vendor. We figured it was just a funny souvenir, but it was a lot more than that.”
Back at their lodgings, Zibestfrend claims, he rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared. Each man was granted one wish.
“Like I said, we’d been drinking. I figured the whole thing was a joke my friends were playing on me, so I just shouted that I wanted to be able to shit diamonds. A year later, here I am.”
Zibestfrend’s companions, Wyn Gnaprair and Danny Kapatrick, wished for a flying unicorn and a McClaren F1, respectively. The unicorn is alive and well, but doesn’t have the wing strength to fly for more than a few feet. As for the supercar, the cost of maintenance were more than Kapatrick could afford.
“I helped Danny with the car for a while, thanks to the diamonds, but he ended up selling it,” Zibestfrend revealed.
“Anyway,” he concluded, “I just want some peace. Do you know how stressful it is to always have everyone looking at you, hoping you have to take a crap? It’s a nightmare.”