How to Cross the Street as Slowly as Possible

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This is a crosswalk and they're for chumps. Never use them. PHOTO: 123df

If you’re not from Atlanta, we do things a bit differently around here. We’re a little friendlier to your face, we talk a little more slowly, and we cross the street at a pace that would make a glacier wonder when we’re gonna get on with it already.

Cars are basically a speeding paycheck. If you get hit by one, you get paid. Simple as that. So walk as slowly as possible, and maybe you’ll get a love tap in the wallet after a short vacation in at Grady.

Here are a few tips to help you get into the pace of things:
1. Never use a cross walk. Ever! – Using a crosswalk just lets cars know where you will be. Nothing could be worse for your street cred. The more surprised a motorist is to find you strolling into heavy traffic, the better.

2. Looking either way before you step into traffic telegraphs your fears. Be fearless! – Would you ask permission to eat your dinner? Unless you’re married to my ex wife, hell no you wouldn’t, nor should you ask permission to walk in the street.

3. Pants should be barely on. – If you’re having trouble being slow, try lowering your pants waistband to below the buttocks. This way, every step requires you to hold your clothing up, and everyone gets to look at your underpants. Win win!

Good luck out there, Atlanta!