ATLANTA–Internet giant and frustrated Facebook emulators Google announced their latest venture today, a direct competitor for popular shitty photo service Instagram.
Sources inside Instagram preferred to remain unnamed, but provided the following quote regarding their business model:
No one is more shocked than we are that taking shitty photos is as popular as it is, and we welcome Google’s entry into the market.
My wife is worried that Ansel Adams’ ghost is going to find us and haunt the fuck out of us. Maybe now he’ll torment Google employees instead.
Google’s Atlanta office consented to be interviewed as long as Atlanta Banana reporters promised not to use a side-to-side hand gesture.
“We’d prefer that no one make that motion ever again,” revealed Dooby E. Vill, “It’s just too painful. And under no circumstances should you refer to an annoying electronic sound using the ‘B’ word that rhymes with ‘fuzz.'”
Reporters asked if we might stick to the subject of shitty photos.
“Yes, yes, of course,” agreed Vill. “Basically, we recognize that Instagram has tapped into a deep well of customer need for deliberately fuzzy, out of focus, square photos with a white border around them, and we want to use our remaining store of–let’s see… yes–most of the world’s money to come up with a competing product.”
“Like Instagram, our service will utilize the very latest technological devices to take photographic quality back twenty years. It’ll be perfect for taking snaps of yourself making a pouty face, your fixed-gear bike, or a friend wearing a stocking cap in 90 degree heat next to a fixed-gear bike.”
Vill provided reporters an example list of names of digital filters the Google product would use to shit up otherwise decent photos, which included:
Grainy Plus Super-Saturated
Impossibly High White Balance