Eye Surgeon Wearily Insists Lasers Don’t Go PEW PEW PEW

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If you've had LASIK surgery and still wear frames without glasses in them for fashion reasons, punch yourself. Hard. In the face. PHOTO: Brien Aho, USN

ROSWELL–Surgeon I. Zappir, MD, wearily insisted for probably the millionth time at a cocktail party last Friday that lasers he uses for LASIK surgery do not make a “pew! pew! pew!” noise.

The surgeon, father of two and LASIK specialist at Crazy Al’s Discount Cornea Barn, indicated that this happens all the time.

“It’s kind of like when you break your leg,” said Zappir. “You have to repeat the story of how it happened to every single person you meet. Except in this case I have to hear a stupid joke every time I say what my job is.”

Dr. Zappir has occasionally dabbled in lying about his profession in order to sidestep the laser question, especially when interacting with people socially whom he doesn’t really care about.

“As long as my wife isn’t within earshot and I don’t think I’ll ever see them again, I’ll happily tell someone I’m an accountant or a tax attorney just so I don’t have to hear them make the laser noise,” said Zappir.

Dr Zappir’s wife Dina, however, tells a different story.

“I don’t know why he’s such a grump about it,” she said. “but every time I see someone point their finger like a gun and ask him if the lasers make that noise, I can tell from his face that he wants to snap that person’s neck like a dry twig.”