ROSWELL–Doctors are shaking their heads in disbelief today as a young woman’s features have stuck in the duckface position. Warned repeatedly by her mother, the young woman continued heedlessly to photograph herself with her lips pursed until her whole face stuck like that.
“God only knows how many times I warned little Debbie,” lamented Deborah Dounier, 37-year-old mother of two. “At least I have one normal-looking daughter left, but for how long? Soon she’ll be old enough to ask people to take pictures of her and her friends in lean-in lines. Then comes the duck facing.”
“In my day we just watched The Goonies repeatedly on VHS,” the distraught mother concluded.
“It is an unfortunate situation,” confirmed Dr Coaldhandz, Dounier family physician. “What we do know for sure is that little Debbie’s face either will or will not stay like it is. For now, all we can do is watch, wait, and have illicit affairs with our office staff.”
For her part, little Debbie Dounier, 15, does not seem to be in any pain.
“Being stuck like this has not impacted my furtive make out sessions, so I don’t mind too much” she said, maddeningly ending declarative sentences with a rising tone to falsely indicate a question. “I mean, I’m at kind of a transitional time in my stages of psychosocial development, perhaps best described by Erik Erikson. You know, where I’m very concerned about my image. So like, I combine silly poses and a ridiculous duckface in pictures as a sort of emotional parachute. If I look bad, I can simply console myself that I wasn’t trying to look good in the first place.”
“Ultimately, this will hopefully have a Nietzschean benefit for me, and if not, there’s always Machiavelli” she concluded.
As a mother, Deborah Dournier could only shake her head, hearing this.
“God, it’s just so sad,” she said, “She just won’t listen. Nietzsche died penniless, and with a ridiculous mustache!”