Coca-Cola Announces “Diabetes Classic”

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Don't worry, kids. There's plenty of diabetes to go around. PHOTO: Coca-Cola

ATLANTA–The World of Coca-Cola has opened a diabetes clinic on its grounds to educate and counteract the rapidly rising rates of diabetes in the nation, including a new form of Coke-specific diabetes designated as “Diabetes Classic.”

This came after the FDA released an incomprehensibly large number of health studies listing soft-drinks as a leading culprit in the onset of diabetes due to excessive amounts of sugars and chemicals that, if enough are consumed, make people’s piss flammable.

In a press release, the FDA said it released the reports to “enlighten the public regarding the myriad of dangers associated with consumption of soft-drinks, especially Coke. A recent discovery incontrovertibly proves that Coke, all unto itself, causes a specific form of diabetes. At this time, the form is being called it ‘Diabetes Classic.’ Those with the affliction are commonly called ‘Cokeheads,’ and the person first diagnosed with this condition is thus being referred to as ‘Patient Coke Zero’, although we are maintaining secrecy regarding his identity at this time.”

The press release goes on to admit there are further complications arising from the onset of Diabetes Classic, mainly related to the amount of chemicals found in one’s bloodstream.

Eric Watson, a 56-year-old man weighing a slim 487 pounds, was diagnosed with Diabetes Classic in February. He said that because of all the toxins in his bloodstream, he can “piss a hole in the floor.”

Watson made a trip to the World of Coca-Cola a regular event, enjoying the sampling and new tastes frequently debuted there. His obsession with the cola became more pronounced as he aged and realized water tastes like nothing.

“There’s no kick,” he said. “No zing. Water tastes like a river or something. Who wants to drink a river?”

When Watson first visited the diabetes clinic in WoCC, he had only recently been made aware of the caustic consequences of excessive soda consumption, but had already undertaken a cleaner lifestyle. He was down to 18 cans a day.

While at the clinic, a nurse took his blood.

“It bubbled,” he said. “My blood had damn bubbles in it.”

That is a common symptom of Diabetes Classic, and that indicated to the attending nurse that he may have the condition.

Nurses at the WoCC clinic are discovering that a multiplying number of patients that enter the clinic are afflicted with Diabetes Classic. “Some run away when they get the news,” said nurse Jackie Roche. “They just don’t get very far. They pass out after about ten yards.”

But if awareness spreads as quickly as the disease, health professionals hope to eradicate the Diabetes Classic in about 150 years. “We’d like it disappear as fast as New Coke,” said Dr. Rasheed Robins. “But that’s not very likely. People love Coke so much they’ll literally die for it.”