DECATUR — Robert and Mary Flapworth of Decatur, GA, are a dog-loving family. Their typical suburban home sits beneath shady trees near the Agnes Scott campus. Inside are the typical furnishings, not the least of which being bedroom carpeting which came with the house.
“It’s a great carpet,” revealed Robert, speaking to us in his living room last Thursday about his bedroom carpet, photographed above before the couple moved in. “Carpet is important in the bedroom because I get cold feet.”
“He had cold feet the night before our wedding too,” chuckled Mary. “That’s why I used that Rohypnol.”
“Yes,” confirmed the carpet, speaking to reporters via telepathy. “Robert and Mary are about as nice a couple as one could expect to have as owners. They don’t eat dinner in the bedroom so they don’t drop sauces or condiments on me. They typically don’t track mud or sand into the bedroom very much. I have it pretty good.”
“Sometimes, though, those dogs pee on me,” the carpet transmitted mentally, “and, you know… I just have to pause a moment to collect myself.” The carpet sighed heavily here, somehow, then continued, “Then I just soak that hot piss right up. It’s not pretty, but I do it.”
Like most pet owners, the Flapworth lives and schedules have to be carefully planned so that their two dogs, Tinkles and Buttsniff, can live as happily as possible.
“Of course, with it being as cold as it has been lately, I just can’t bear to leave them outside when I leave for work,” said Robert. “Unfortunately, now and then I get hung up at work, or I stop by an asian massage parlor on the way home for a rub-n-tug, and the dogs have an accident.”
“I can’t really blame the dogs,” he added. “It’s my fault, really.”
“Yeah, I agree with him on that one,” the bedroom carpet confirmed. “It’s not the dog’s fault, I mean they’re just being dogs, you know?”
“Oh well,” the carpet seemed, inexplicably, to shrug now, “What can you do? Just soak up the pee, I guess.”