KENNESAW, GA–Members of Atlanta’s news media joined their hands to rejoice today at the heartbreaking tragedy of a workplace shooting at a FedEx facility in Kennesaw. Details about the shooter’s motives are few, but as one local reporter put it, “You know what’s really shooting up? Our site’s page views. Fuck yeah!”
Reporters hastily tweeted and retweeted updates about the ruined lives of the people involved with the shooting, pausing only to slap each other on the back.
“Our thoughts and prayers are with the families of our web site admins,” said Frank Deakins, TV journalist. “Because our hits are going through the fucking roof on this one. Stay strong, you guys!”
But some reporters, upon hearing that the gunman eventually turned the gun on himself, felt that local law enforcement could have done more. “If you think about it, the police should allow us to take selfies with the corpse,” said Janice Harnsler, print journalist. “Maybe with a grieving family member in the background, you know? People would RT the shit out of that one.”
Pam Searns stopped by Publix to pick up a sheet cake for her fellow journalists with the words “Happy Shooting Ratings!” on it in red icing.
“The best part about all this is we’re glorifying this kind of tragedy sufficiently to guarantee there will be more. Talk about job security, right guys? Haha! Woooo!”
Searns then celebrated with her colleagues with high fives regardless of their media conglomerate affiliations.