Aliens Sent Cure for Cancer 10 Years Ago in a QR Code

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Why haven't you guys cured that cancer stuff? We sent you the dang key to it. PHOTO: Paul Swansen

ARECIBO, PUERTO RICO–Extraterrestrial life scientists say that not only have they decoded transmissions from alien societies, but the messages have apparently been coming for over ten years, getting more and more exasperated with humans during that time.

“It was quite a shock once we were able to decode the messages,” said Dr. Bea Kerr, SETI team leader. “They are pretty pissed at us.”

According to the transmissions decoded by Dr. Kerr’s team, the alien life forms sent us information on how to cure cancer over ten years ago. The key to curing the disease was apparently embedded in shopping mall advertisement QR codes, but not a single human being ever made use of those codes, so the message went unheard.

Apparently the aliens understood that our most important personal devices are our personal phones, but mistook our shopping malls for the most important buildings in our society. They assumed that sooner or later someone would use a QR code in a shopping mall with their mobile phone’s camera, as the codes were intended to be used, but no one ever did.

“At this time we don’t know exactly where the messages originated from, only the direction they came from, and that the senders think we are stupid,” said Dr. Kerr.

Here are just a few of those decoded messages:

2004: ATTENTION EARTH DIPSHITS! You are being so rude.
2005: GOD what does it take to give you guys a gift, huh? USE YOUR PHONE!
2007: Ugh, y’all dumb.
2012: Seriously we’re just going to blast your whole planet and call it good maybe.