ABC’s “Mormon Bachelor” Canceled After Mass Wedding Proposal

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This is the first day of the rest of your life not on TV. PHOTO: Archibald Ballantine, Flickr

LOS ANGELES–ABC’s highly anticipated new reality series “The Mormon Bachelor” was canceled abruptly following its daring initial live episode due to the fact that its central character, Salt Lake City resident and Delta Airlines pilot Brigg M. Young, 32, managed to propose to all 25 love interests within an hour of meeting them.

“This was simply unprecedented,” stated a clearly flustered Joe Smith, vice-president of ABC’s reality division. “We initially thought something might be amiss when Brigg just said ‘yes’ when [new show emcee] Samuel [John] asked him which one he found most appealing.  I was just hoping I heard him wrong.”

The episode followed the now-familiar process of the “bachelor” getting to know each girl prior to a Rose Ceremony, where the field of 25 young ladies would ostensibly be narrowed. Young seemed to be clearly enjoying his time with each of the women; as the show progressed, typical viewers had no idea which of the bevy of beauties he’d choose. It was during the Rose Ceremony itself that the issues began.

“I gave the guy 10 roses like they told me,” began a flummoxed John, “but he just KEPT giving them out.  Twelve roses in, and they kept coming.  It was like some kind of magic trick. Was he getting them out of his magic Mormon underwear? I heard Mormons have to wear that, you know. But there were TEN roses.  I friggin’ swear!”

Once all 25 clearly confused girls had received a rose, Young pulled yet another surprise from his coat:  a long, narrow velvet box with the name “Tabernacle Jewelers” on the top. Mr. Young, with his bewildered damsels around him in a semicircle, dropped to one knee and opened the box, which contained twenty-five exquisite diamond solitaires.

“Will all of you marry me?” he asked.

With that, at least two of the ladies fainted outright, several did a spit-take with their champagne, and ABC immediately cut to a commercial. When the show resumed after a lengthy break, it consisted of nothing but a chimpanzee juggling bananas for two excruciating minutes while the credits rolled.

“We’ll never go live again,” Smith fumed. “Never. But I guess that’s why we keep that chimp around.”

As of press time, while most of the show’s contestants found the idea of polygamy laughable at best, at least three attention whores hopelessly lovestruck young ladies stated they’d consider Young’s offer so long as they got a shitload of cash and a television deal were treated with respect.