ATLANTA–Last Tuesday marked the first inaugural “Beasts and Beer Fest” at Zoo Atlanta. While critics and patrons loved the event, it resulted in a number of drunk animals — that number being “All of them.”
“There wash a sign that said Do Not Feed The Animals,” said attendee Steve Bartholemew in slurred speech. “No sign said Do Not Intoxicate The Animals.”
Beer vendors from around the United States participated. They did not know their samples would make cheetahs start sprinting before stumbling, growling “Oh fuck it,” and passing out underneath trees. Or that elephants would use their trunks to spray gallons of beer on patrons like they were in a wet T-shirt contest.
A particularly lonely seal stayed in a corner and barked the melody to “One Is The Loneliest Number” for approximately three hours before it lost its voice.
Cocoa, widely regarded as the smartest ape in the world, broke into her new trainer’s office and called her former trainer approximately 27 times in what can only be described as the world’s first drunk monkey dial.
“She just kept grunting into the phone,” said her former trainer, Gary Plumer. “We know a few speech patterns of hers, and that one meant ‘Come back. Sorry. Come back. Sorry.’ Quite sad, really.”
Subsequently, Cocoa was sent to a local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous. She’s since doing better but has undertaken a heavy smoking habit.
A baby panda in a drunken rage killed another baby panda, resulting in the cutest murder ever. The baby panda isn’t being charged because it’s a minor. Also because it’s a panda.
A group of intoxicated sloths climbed on top of a police cruiser and didn’t move for twelve hours. They had to be scraped off with shovels.
“All in all it was a wonderful event,” said zoo spokesperson Todd McGill while he ate lunch in the cafeteria. “I think we’ll try it again next year as long as we get tons of coffee and aspirin. I’ve never seen so many hungover animals in my life. I’ve also never seen so many dumb animals puking. Unless you count an episode of Jersey Shore.”