Who The Hell Is Bon Iver, Wonder Tasteless Atlantans

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PHOTO: Moses Namkung, Flickr

ATLANTA — With the 54th annual awards program set to air in a few weeks on February 12, Atlantans are hurriedly finalizing their Grammy-watching plans. But as some review the list of nominees and discuss their predictions, one question among a select group hangs in the air: “Who the hell is Bon Iver?”

These tasteless individuals, identified around Atlanta by their fondness of Top 40 radio stations and the vast amount of wax in their ears, sadly occupy a substantial percentage of Atlanta’s population.

Katie Glass, president of the Katy Perry Fan Club’s Atlanta Chapter, still shivers when she recalls last year’s awards show. “It was so horrible. I was sitting there with the other members of the club, in my blue wig and cupcake bikini top, anticipating the moment when Katy would be announced the winner of Album of the Year. And then they had the audacity to give the award to some group nobody’s ever heard of. The Suburbs?! Are you kidding me? If this Bone Thug character, or whatever his name is, steals Katy’s Record of the Year award, I will just die. DIE.”

Bon Iver, the indie-folk darlings headed up by Justin Vernon, has been around since 2007 with the release of their album “From Emma, Forever Ago”. They are celebrating success yet again with their self-titled second album, “Bon Iver”, currently having sold over 350,000 copies in the United States.

Local fans of Bon Iver are preparing for the Grammys, and the attendant influx of uninformed tweets and status updates, by planning to drink heavily.

Atlanta Banana reporters caught Paul Hitchens, a frequent contributor to the comments sections on Pitchfork.com, outside of the Edgewood Corner Tavern. He candidly admits to us, “It doesn’t bother me that Atlanta has zero taste. I’m moving to Williamsburg soon, anyway.”

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