ATLANTA — Birth control and abortion are two white-hot topics in the months leading up to the 2012 presidential election. The Atlanta Banana, in an exclusive interview, discussed these issues with Dr. Clovis Hanger, M.D., who was recently laid off from a women’s health clinic here in Atlanta.
BANANA: Dr. Hanger, thank you for joining us.
HANGER: It’s a pleasure to be here.
BANANA: Let’s not beat around the bush…what’s your take on the politics of birth control for American women?
HANGER: Well, for one thing, condoms suck.
BANANA: Excuse me?
HANGER: Horrible. Can’t feel a thing when you use them. I don’t recommend even trying them. Would you wear oven mitts when you play the piano? And heaven help you if you have a latex allergy, which occurs in roughly 98% of all men. It’s like mutant enraged fire ants all over your business if you even touch one.
BANANA: Wow. So you favor monogamy and hormonal methods like the Pill?
HANGER: The Pill. HA! The Pill is worse than condoms. You have to take it EVERY DAY. What a waste of time. Besides, the packaging is made of recycled AIDS needles and each pill causes leprosy. And monogamy? More like MONOTONY, amirite? Look, the bottom line is this: birth control isn’t natural. It either ruins the mood, gives you a rash, or causes chunks of your flesh to fall off. It’s absolutely silly that we promote it so much in this country.
BANANA: You are an actual medical doctor. You can’t be serious.
HANGER: Oh, but I am. Look at the Catholics…those eight-child families are perfect for working today’s farms. I mean, kids practically pay for themselves these days. Love that Rhythm Method! Honestly, we’d be better off if everyone would just go back to guessing when to pull out…although that’s no fun, either. And messy. You know what? Leave it in. Take a chance. Live a little.
BANANA: I’m sensing an ulterior motive.
HANGER: We all have mortgages, friend.