The Atlanta Banana’s Picks to Fill the Six Empty Dekalb County School Board Seats

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The Dekalb County Courthouse pictured here for some reason. PHOTO: Jimmy Emerson

DEKALB–The Dekalb County School board needs six new members as fast as possible, and we here at The Atlanta Banana are proud to offer our short list of six candidates for the job.

If you’ve been following the story, you know that six members of the nine-seat board were kicked out recently for such teensy-weensy offenses as “lack of leadership, money mismanagement and an abuse of power” [CBS Atlanta].

We’re not sure what the big deal is. After all, that’s what you do when you’re an elected official, right? Abuse money, abuse power, get as much drugs and alcohol into your system as you can stand, and then have some freaky sex.

Speaking of which, where’s the freaky sex, former Dekalb County School Board members? At least send some inappropriate tweets around, guys. Sheesh!

Former members aside, we are proud to present our short list for the six replacement board members to Gov. Deal’s selection committee. You’re welcome, Big Nate!

1. Baton Bob – We will always recommend Baton Bob for everything. Why? Because he is unflinchingly awesome. He’s the Ambassador of Mirth, and no one could use a little mirth more than Dekalb County School Board.

2. Chipper Jones – Kids need someone they can look up to, especially in a room full of politicians, and it’s hard to think of anyone better on that score than Jones. He’s got free time now, right?

3. Willy Terry – Mr. Terry is on this list specifically to correct the former school board’s observed lack of inappropriateness. Anyone who has seen him at Briarcliff and Ponce in his bike shorts knows he is packing a pantload of inappropriate.

4. This Guy, Who Is Playing The Saxophone While Driving – Posted on Reddit’s /r/atlanta section this morning, we know nothing about this gentleman other than what is shown in the photo, but that’s enough to be qualified in our books!

5. A Walking Dead Zombie – Really. Any Walking Dead zombie. Sure, it might be a little tough to get them into the chair, but it might also keep the meetings moving along nicely. Get your hands up and vote before this board member consumes your face!

6. Morgan Tukes – Miss Tukes is the young lady who allegedly shot herself in the thigh last week at Grady High School with a stolen pink gun. We believe that, with time and proper rehabilitation, she can be trained to shoot herself in the foot instead, making her an obvious choice for public service.

Take note, Gov. Deal’s selection committee! We just saved you a whole boatload of time.