The 10th Street Cycle Track Turned Me into a Newt

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The 10th Street Cycle Track will murder everything you hold dear. Such is the scope of its power. PHOTO: Atlanta Belt Line

Burn the 10th Street Cycle Track, I say! Burn it! It has inestimable demonic power and will be the ruination of us all. How do I know? Because it turned me into a newt! I mean, yes, okay, it got better, but the 10th Street Cycle Track is still a witch. Burn it!

There are ways of telling whether a city’s transit feature is a witch. Witches, as we all know, burn, and things that burn are made of wood. Wood floats on water. Therefore, witches must also float, just like bread, apples, very small rocks, cider, gravy, cherries, nuts, churches, lead, and, most notably, a duck.

By this inescapable reason, the 10th Street Cycle Track, whose combined paint and plastic tube barrier markers weigh the same as a duck, is a witch. We must burn it immediately.

Every single person who commutes to work under their own power is an affront to God, the great democracy that is America, and cheeseburgers. That is why the 10th Street Cycle Track must be removed at once, before more people get turned into newts like I did.

It got better. But still. Burn it.

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