Thank God For That Bulletproof Occasional Table

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BUDAPEST, HUNGARY–International spy and action thriller hero Speed Whistler narrowly avoided assassination at the hands of an unnamed Eastern bloc goon upon his arrival in his hotel suite last night thanks to a fortuitously placed bulletproof occasional table. Whistler arrived at the suite accompanied by Alexa Feathers, who might or might not be in league with the enemy, but has looks that kill.

The gunman burst from a closet in the hotel suite and began firing at Whistler just as Feathers suggested that she and Whistler share a nightcap.

“Thank God that occasional table was there,” said Whistler, who crouched while the assailant emptied round after round into it. “I would have been dead for sure without it. Miss Whats-her-face too maybe.”

Whistler, whose rugged good looks and devilish charm give him an advantage with the ladies, was able to use the table as cover long enough for his enemy, who had apparently only learned to fire a weapon that day, shot until the gun’s magazine was empty. The gunman then appeared confused, turning the handgun to give it a quizzical look.

Whistler leaped from behind the table and deftly snapped the gunman’s neck by forcing it down onto the upturned edge of the table, causing Feathers to emit a shocked gasp.

Whistler brought the tense situation to the close by saying, “That table really turns heads.”