[This article is by first-time submitter Luke Thornton. Show him some love. -Ed]
PERU, SOUTH AMERICA–The capital of Peru was attacked by an overwhelming assault by Taylor’s Swift’s ‘Girl Squad’ Saturday evening. Executing their president while performing ‘Welcome to New York’, the attack occurred over the span of 2 hours featuring a setlist spanning Taylor Swift’s discography, a Coup d’État, rioting, and an assortment of celebrity cameos.
After months of negations talks between Brazil and the Squad have lead into armed conflict. It is rumored that the song “Bad Blood” is about the relationship between the President of Peru, Ollanta Humala and Swift, who meet after co-writing “Dear John” with the pop star. Last ditch Negations were held between Peru and the #SQUAD before hand to find a diplomatic solution. However talks turned negative when a Peruvian delegate declared that “Swift doesn’t write her own songs, it’s all Max Martin” which according to reports, lead to Selena Gomez decapating the Peruvian delegate’s head with a machete.
The Peruvian Army was able to mount a counter defense against Taylor Swift’s #GIRLSQUAD but were overwhelmed by Cara Delevingne. Despite an aggressive and violent effort, Armed Forces were unable to fight against the combined sass, strut, and female unity of Karlie Kloss, Hailee Stanfeld, Lena Dunham. and Selana Gomez. 234 people were reported killed.
There are no new plans announced for how Taylor Swift and her squad intend to run the country, but rumors circulate that a new tour is in the works, along with a surprise new government release to be sold exclusively at Target.