Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA — A whirling column of prayers has been reported over the city of Atlanta early this week. Reports are that it is heading in a westerly direction, but there is no confirmation that it has actually made contact with the ground. In fact, though eyewitness reports of the tornado are plentiful, it has failed [...]
TIGER, GA–A conservative religious group has released an advertising campaign depicting the faces of children and young adults horribly twisted while concentrating on mathematics problems, hoping to discourage interest in math and sciences. The group, calling themselves Pious — often shortened simply to “Pi” — hopes to capitalize on the popular “Faces of Meth” anti-drug [...]
COLLEGE PARK–Rumors swirl today that the Chick-Fil-a corporation is inadvertently raising some homosexual chickens. Though the company’s political leanings seem to indicate that they believe homosexuality to be a matter of choice than heredity, studies indicate that a certain percentage of their chickens must certainly prefer same-sex partners. “There’s just no way that could be [...]
Yeah, it’s me, the Devil again. I’ve been seeing a lot of whining lately from you living people about how crowded it’s getting on Earth, and it’s about time someone told you to shut yer yap. “Oh, no,” you say, “what are we gonna do when there’s no resources to feed all of us?” That’s [...]
ATLANTA–The state of Georgia announced this morning that the new Georgia license tag would allow a sticker with a religious phrase of the owner’s choice for $1.00. Although the tag is usually depicted with the Christianity-oriented phrase “Hell Yeah God,” phrases for other religions are also for sale, because it would be cosmically stupid, not [...]
DOWNTOWN–Atlanta’s unemployed and under-privileged, calling themselves Gay for Jobs, have announced today that they are officially seeking same-sex marriages in hopes of getting a little attention from the country’s leaders. The movement believes that same-sex marriage should be legal, and that everyone should be able to choose what is best for themselves and their bodies. [...]
DOUGLASVILLE–Farley R. Lijous, unemployed paint agitator and father of two, discovered to his surprise Sunday that he had mistakenly attended church the week after Easter. Lijous disclosed to reporters that while he considers himself a religious man, he normally only attends church for what he called “the Big Four.” Those are: Christmas, Easter, weddings and [...]
MARIETTA–Two high school students, Dustin (18) and Dakota (16) Sizeworth, were subjected to an awkward visit Sunday morning from their uncle Barry Tender, calling himself “The Easter Barry.” Tender, clutching a Southern Comfort bottle and complaining loudly, hid brightly colored eggs about the yard and generally made a fool of himself. “I don’t know what [...]
LOS ANGELES–ABC’s highly anticipated new reality series “The Mormon Bachelor” was canceled abruptly following its daring initial live episode due to the fact that its central character, Salt Lake City resident and Delta Airlines pilot Brigg M. Young, 32, managed to propose to all 25 love interests within an hour of meeting them. “This was [...]
HAPEVILLE — Jesus Christ, the Messiah, Prince of Peace, and Son of Almighty God, returned to Earth Sunday surrounded by trumpeting angels on a dazzling white cloud which hovered over the original Chick-fil-A Dwarf House on the south side of Atlanta. Speaking in a booming, ethereal voice, Jesus addressed the throng of onlookers and reporters [...]
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