Tags Posts tagged with "partying"


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Hey, maybe slow down on the booze, huh?

If you get all your life advice from popular music, as this girl does, you might not be aware that there are some adverse effects to drinking. Even the ones that taste like fruit drinks can make you a bad driver. Did you know that? I didn’t until a DJ told me. He saved my life.

It was last Cinco de Mayo, during one of the times at the club when everyone shouts the word “Shots!” over and over again in a wild chant. I wasn’t able to join in because I was doing a party yawn, or if you’re a doctor, a barf. It was the second or third one I’d done that night. You’re welcome, Mexico!

I fell down on a couch, but then I realized the couch was wearing a belt, and it had legs too. I know because it was standing up. My party balance isn’t so good sometimes. It turned out to be a DJ. I party yawned on him and I think some of my dinner got in his right front pocket.

He tried to help me up and I think he asked me where my friends were, but I was doing a party dance at the time, or what doctor’s call “seizure due to alcohol poisoning.” I then voided my bowels, or what we call a party fart, but I think that was because the DJ wasn’t paying attention and a Matt & Kim song came on.

Anyway, I was so embarrassed that I party farted on the nice DJ that I pulled out my keys and that’s when the DJ said those sweet words that saved my life. I’ll never forget them.

He said, “What the hell’s wrong with you?” I think that was it. Actually, maybe one of the party wagon drivers said that. That’s what we call EMT’s. Anyway, he definitely said I should stop drinking and pooping and barfing in people’s pockets.

That DJ saved my life, and my Cinco de Mayo. Hooray for me and Mexico too!

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Get on this, baby. PHOTO: Steve Beger

Listen up, bitches. I can trace 5% of my history back to Ireland, so kiss me. It’s St. Patrick’s day! I deserve it. Right, Julie? Haha! Wait… what? Kristin? Okay, Kristin. What the fuck ever. This is my holiday. Hang on.

What, Trisha? I’m just hanging out. What are you doing? Just let me have some fun! Right, guys?

It’s nothing. She’s my wife. Didn’t even want to come here just cause she had a baby a few days ago, but I was like Trish fuck that. You know I’m 5% Irish. We are going down to McGonnigan’s and drinking some Guinness or my name isn’t Anthony Giovanni. Right, ladies? Kiss me I’m Irish!

Got a little wing sauce on the ol’ face and the ol’ shirt and a bit on the ol’ pant leg but fuck it, right? St. Pat’s! Woo! Basically any bitches who don’t kiss me today are racist against Irish people. Right? Hey! Partying over here, ladies. Focus.

Hey! Hey! Are y’all like, best friends or something? I heard you should ask chicks that. Probably read it on like Facebook or something. So are you? You guys want to do a shot? It’s fucking St. Patricks day! Yeah! Get pumped up!

Ugh. I’ll be right back.

Okay hey what’s up? I had a hard time finding you guys! You moved to a totally different part of the bar. I just had to head into the bathroom for a little puke’n’rally but I’m back now and feeling strong. Also dropped a deuce. Must have been the taquitos from earlier.

Anyway, want to do a couple shots, huh? Let’s do it! St. Patrick’s day! Woo! Time to kiss me, because I am Irish, just like the shirt says.

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PHOTO: Nathan in San Diego, Flickr

PONCEY HIGHLANDS — For most of us, New Year’s Eve is a time for happiness. It is a time to gather together with good friends, a time to reflect on the year passed and the one to come. If one plays one’s cards right, it might even be a time to parlay the mood of year-end wistfulness into an ill-advised make-out session.

Yes, New Year’s Eve can be a great night. Great, that is, for everyone but the city’s drunks, who are even now steeling themselves for the onslaught of amateur drinkers set to infiltrate their favorite bars. Atlanta Banana reporters spoke to some of those drunks to gauge their reactions.

Chad P, Real Estate Agent – “It sucks. I don’t like having my routine of self-destruction thrown into sharp releif by a bunch of fleece-vest-wearing assholes who are enjoying their lives. They think they can just waltz in here and suck down a couple Sugar Crappletinis? Screw them.”

Alison H, Publicist – “I kind of like New Year’s Eve, actually. It brings in new prospects. I flirt with the right guy, he gives me a ride home, and then I give him the worst handjob ever conceived. Ever paid cab fare from the Highlands to Alpharetta? It ain’t cheap.”

Felicia D, Bartender – “I make a lot of money on New Year’s, but the amateurs don’t know how to order a drink. Hey sweetie, maybe ask your dizzy friends and your doofus boyfriend what they want before coming over to the bar and wasting my time, huh?”

Jeff S, Atlanta PD – “These amateurs make it too easy. They’re all like ‘Whats the problem, officer?’ Please, buddy. You really want me to answer that? You’re trying to buckle yourself into a phone booth.”