Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ROSWELL–Surgeon I. Zappir, MD, wearily insisted for probably the millionth time at a cocktail party last Friday that lasers he uses for LASIK surgery do not make a “pew! pew! pew!” noise. The surgeon, father of two and LASIK specialist at Crazy Al’s Discount Cornea Barn, indicated that this happens all the time. “It’s kind [...]
NORTHSIDE HOSPITAL–TOWL 9000, A sentient paper towel dispensing machine which recently dispensed two towels in quick succession, was reluctant to dispense a third last week in a bathroom on the tenth floor of Northside Hospital’s North Tower. “I just wanted to completely dry my hands after washing them,” revealed Dom J. Ghison, bathroom user. “I [...]
ATLANTA — Birth control and abortion are two white-hot topics in the months leading up to the 2012 presidential election. The Atlanta Banana, in an exclusive interview, discussed these issues with Dr. Clovis Hanger, M.D., who was recently laid off from a women’s health clinic here in Atlanta. BANANA: Dr. Hanger, thank you for joining [...]
ATLANTA–The Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued their annual Spring warning for 2012, focusing on dangers from pollen, sexually-transmitted diseases, and, for the first time ever, festival season promotional codes. “Promo codes are everywhere this year,” lamented Don Orreia, the CDC spokesman. “A recent study showed that roughly 93% of springtime [...]
GRADY HOSPITAL — Atlas J. Constance, former television journalist, was admitted to Grady hospital on Tuesday. Discovered passed out at his computer early Monday and rushed to the ER by his wife, his symptoms weren’t life threatening. Their cause had doctors baffled… once they finally admitted him. Reporters spoke with Constance in his hospital bed [...]
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