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lottery

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This is money. You will not win it in a Georgia lottery. Ever. PHOTO: Dustin Moore

ATLANTA — The Georgia lottery’s online presence now allows citizens to figuratively throw their money away from any location with an internet connection. The expanded functionality promises to expand the lottery’s reach to include the financially daft who lack the time to travel to a physical lottery location.

“The internet is a wonderful thing, in this instance,” said Shay Sterr, lottery spokesman. “Too long we’ve been confined to fleecing people who regularly shop at convenience stores. Now we can benefit from anyone’s lack of acumen.”

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Ted Turner has 35 million of these, and one's a winner. PHOTO: Robert S. Donovan, Flickr

ATLANTA — Billionaire media mogul and former beloved Atlanta Braves owner Ted Turner has confirmed that he has indeed purchased all possible number combinations for the upcoming record-breaking $500 million Mega Millions drawing on Friday, just to be a dick. Mr. Turner spoke to the Banana via telephone from atop a buffalo somewhere in Montana.

“It’s just math, morons,” began a clearly giddy Turner. “What are the odds of winning, one in 175 million or some such? Well guess who just happens to have $175 million to play with, suckers? That’s right. The Ted does. I won.  Game over. Go home.”

The estimated cash-option payout for a single winner of Friday’s Mega Millions drawing is roughly $359 million, before taxes.

It would take one lottery machine roughly 3.3 years to print out all possible number combinations; Turner apparently sidestepped this problem by buying a thousand lottery machines for his own personal use, each staffed with a buxom lingerie model. “Fuck it, I can afford it,” beamed Turner. “When I win, I’ll pocket an extra sixty million or so, after taxes. I’ll put a Ted’s Montana Grill on every goddamn street corner! You’ll have no choice but…to EAT ME! HAHAHAHAHA!”

When it was pointed out that multiple winners could wreak havoc on his profitability, Turner was nonplussed. “You think this is about the money? Hell no. You wanna know why I did this?  BECAUSE I CAN. Suck it, plebes…you’re all playing for second place.”

Turner then began having an imaginary conversation with himself, or possibly the buffalo.

“So, what are you gonna do today, Ted?”

“I don’t know, Ted…maybe I’ll mosey on down to the Circle K and…I don’t know…WIN THE FUCKING LOTTERY! WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!”

With that, Turner unceremoniously hung up.  Immediately afterward, Turner tweeted a picture of himself, still astride the buffalo, giving the camera both middle fingers.