Stripper Found Tragically Alive at 39

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I'm hot for... damn it I had something for this. PHOTO: Mad Love Game

ATLANTA—Last week, three coworkers having lunch at The Cheetah were shocked to find the lifeless body of 39-year-old stripper Jennifer “Sapphire” Sykes on stage.

David Higgins, Jared Lewis and John Bradley arrived approximately halfway into Sykes’ routine while “Hot for Teacher” was blaring through the speakers. Sykes was spotted twirling limply around a pole next to a prop chalkboard with “Ms. Sapphire” written on it. Also on the chalkboard was a drawing of the solar system. With Pluto.

“I mean, at first she looked kind of hot,” said Higgins, “but then my eyes adjusted to the dark and … God, I–I just can’t do this right now.”

According to management at the The Cheetah, Sykes has been one of their most reliable dancers, missing only two days in the last decade. In fact, she came highly recommended from Club Onyx in 1998, where she was one of their most sought-after dancers.

However, many regulars have noticed a marked decline after she gave birth to her first child, $helbee. According to them, her wide variety of costumes such as sexy nurse, sexy lawyer, sexy police officer and sexy firewoman has dwindled down to just one. Now, every weekday between noon and ten, you can count on hearing “Hot For Teacher” as many as ten times.

“Every time I hear that song now, all I can think about is that dull, unresponsive look in her eyes,” said Lewis, shivering.

Lewis’ coworkers say that he’s been in a funk ever since they bought him a lap dance from Sykes. “They thought it would be funny, but I’ve been depressed ever since.”

“And I think I have a cold sore.”

Witnesses report that the three coworkers fled the scene before the song finished and were last seen trying to get glitter out of their clothes and hair. David Lee Roth was unavailable for comment.

If you’re 21 or older and would like to offer your condolences, services are being held every hour between noon and 10 p.m. at The Cheetah.

[EDITOR’s NOTE: This post was written by Daniel Cady. Follow him on twitter at @dcady001]