State Announces Extra Voting Areas for Non-Republicans: Any Toilet

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The toilet was invented by John Shitter. Pretty sure that's right. PHOTO: Elvert Barnes

ATLANTA–The state of Georgia announced this morning that non-Republicans can now easily participate in the Presidential election by tossing their vote into any toilet. Other acceptable voting areas include holes in the ground, fires, and homeless people’s pockets.

These extra voting areas are thanks to the state’s overwhelming population of Republicans, whose myriad of votes gobble any non-Republican initiatives with the same mindless purpose as MJQ and Clermont revelers gobble late night Majestic.

The Atlanta Banana spoke with Georgia Senator Snidely Whiplash (R) this morning via phone.

“Have fun gathering at Manuel’s Tavern on Tuesday, non-reds,” Whiplash sneered. “Might as well toss your little votes in with your PBR barf on the way out. Georgia’s redder than a ginger’s sunburn.”

The senator’s comments were confusing to Sparkle Peters, west midtown barista and yarn enthusiast.

“I’m pretty sure he is way off base,” said Peters. “All my friends wear Obama shirts and post anti-Romney stuff on Twitter and Reddit. How many people live in Georgia and not Atlanta, anyway? No one I know, that’s for sure.”

In fact, the state of Georgia is home to just as many people who live outside the metro Atlanta area as inside.

“That’s got to be BS,” Peters said. “What do they do for coffee out there? Starbucks? How can they stand it? That’s the Walmart of coffee.”

Senator Whiplash was delighted to hear Peters’ comments.

“Oh man, Atlanta non-reds crack me the fuck up,” he said. “It’s my drug. For real. Keep it coming. I am twirling my mustache like a sumbitch right now.”