SOMEWHERE — The assembled crowd were awestruck and simultaneously sportsstruck when sports guy John Q. Participant did a very remarkable sports thing on Sunday afternoon. The particular thing is quite rare and has not been done by a guy of his particular qualifications very much.
“I’m just so damned glad I did the thing,” Participant tearfully revealed to reporters. “I didn’t know if I was going to, and then I did, and now I’ll always have that.”
Participant is the nth person to complete a successful trial of the thing, where n is defined by a set of qualifications, some of which include (but are not limited to) age, area of origin, race, creed, or handedness.
“First of all I’d like to thank the deity toward whom I have pledged allegiance. Without his, her, or its help, I don’t know where I would be,” Participant stated at the post-thing press conference. “I’d also like to thank my team of supportive, but not quite as remarkable, sports guys, and of course our sponsor, SportsCo who have provided truly excellent sports items to our sports organization.”
Late in the sports, it looked as though Participant wouldn’t actually be able to do the thing, but then, in the end, he did. He triumphed over runner-up sports guy Anthony “Ant” Agonist.
Agonist spoke with reporters about his failure to do the sports thing.
“What can I say, you know? That’s professional sports for you,” Agonist shrugged. “You just put your big boy sports pants on and go out there and do the best sports you can and hope for the best. Participant sported a hell of a sports.”
Participant, already a wealthy man, will use his winnings to continue to do sports until he isn’t good at it anymore, and then a few extra years beyond that as well.