GREENVILLE, SC–Incumbent South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley met with reporters this morning to announce the release of a tell-all book in which it is alleged that North Carolina is secretly gay.
“Of course, the great state of South Carolina has no problem whatsoever with anyone’s choice of partner,” announced Gov. Haley. “But in light of yesterday’s legislation banning same-sex marriage in North Carolina, we felt we just had to speak up.”
The governor paused, then continued, addressing the state of North Carolina directly, “It is cruel and wildly un-Christian to let your own insecurity manifest itself in legislation against another person’s happiness.”
The book, written by a collection of southern dignitaries, is available online for download free of charge. In it, the authors claim to have seen North Carolina “making out like a tenth grader” with Montana, including some heavy petting.
“Petting doesn’t really get any heavier than what ol’ NC was up to with Montana,” revealed book publisher Reid Pleez. “There was definitely some border crossing, if you know what I mean.”
North Carolina governor Beverly Purdue declined to be interviewed, but released a statement denying claims that her state is a closeted self-hating homosexual.
The claim that North Carolina is gay is baseless. We can’t possibly be gay; we love the Bible! Nothing keeps the gay away like obsessive many-times-a-day Bible reading and misquoting, and you get extra non-gay points for misrepresenting the Bible in legislation! Everyone knows that.
Sources close to the issue have claimed that North Carolina called off a planned tryst with Florida in light of the scandal.