DEKALB–Dekalb County passed legislation a year ago to ban smokers from lighting up in its parks. The law, which goes into effect today, has brought outrage from many local smokers in the form of concerned wheezes and coughing fits. The Atlanta Banana took to the streets to hear smokers’ concerns.
“I could not be more outraged,” whispered Mel Buroughman, lifelong smoker, as he adjusted the oxygen flow on a bottle attached to his nose via a series of tubes. “Hang on, I have to get my mixture right if I want to raise my voice. Otherwise I’ll pass out and void my bowels.”
It is easy to see why smokers value Dekalb County’s parks so highly. After all, it is a lush, verdant quadrant of Atlanta’s metropolitan area. What better place to enjoy one more incendiary step toward one’s own cancerous demise?
“It’s the same feeling you get when you walk into a nicer hotel room, say, in Vegas… You know, where the bathrooms are enormous,” said Louise “Weezy” Breathed. “You just look at all that gleaming tile, and you want to pee right in the middle of the floor. You know?”
Breathed went on to say that she got a small jolt of pleasure from letting her secondhand smoke waft past small children, e.g. toddlers and babies.
“They need to know that life is shit, and they’ll never amount to nothing,” she said. “The smell of cigarette smoke lets ’em know exactly that.”