ATLANTA–Scientist Paul Lenkount, PhD, until this morning responsible for counting pollen levels in Atlanta, has apparently snapped and quit his job. Lenkount, normally a quiet, careful employee, was seemingly pushed over the edge by unprecedented levels of pollen.
“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Lenkount revealed, speaking to reporters via phone. “I didn’t go to six years of science school to do shitty science. Now we get record pollen levels? Fuck that noise.”
When asked to be more specific about the shittier kinds of science, Lenkount continued, “Do you know how pollen count is obtained? There’s a little asshole machine on the roof called a Rotorod that spins two greased rods around in the air. Then someone has to count the minuscule pollen grains that stick to the grease. Guess who has to count them? Me, that’s who.”
He then sighed heavily. “All those years of school and all I do is count shit through a microscope. Jesus Christ, what have I done with my life?”
Mr. Lenkount then began to divulge some horrifying personal details about his romantic life and family relationships, which were unsettling to say the least. He eventually circled around to the subject at hand.
“I was just sitting there this morning, counting and counting those tiny pollen grains at record levels and thinking about how much it cost me to get my PhD. My coworker Phil was being an asshole, distracting me. I had to restart counting like a million times and… I don’t remember anything after that.”
Closed-circuit laboratory video feeds and the eyewitness account of Phil Mehan show that Lenkount screamed in frustration, squirted silicone grease down Mehan’s shirt, wrote a hasty resignation letter, and left the premises.
The Atlanta Banana has obtained the text of the letter, scribbled erratically on the back of an air quality report:
Jam this job up your bumbum.
P.S. Phil is an asshole.
It is unlikely that disciplinary action will be taken against Lenkount, and he is likely to be rehired on the basis that no one else wants to do his job, and that he has a point about Mehan.