UNKNOWN HILLTOP–Ryan Seacrest, television personality and Dunwoody native, ascended to the top of a vaguely Scottish-looking hill last night, dressed in a belted trenchcoat with epaulets. Throwing his arms wide and screaming as lightening bolts played around him, he assumed the full power of Dick Clark.
Clark, who fought his first battle on the Scottish Highlands in 1536, gained the bulk of his impressive power in the late 1950’s as host of a television show called American Bandstand. Coached by his mentor, swordmaster Orrin Hatch, Clark successfully navigated the treacherous legal waters of the payola scandal, becoming nearly untouchable in the process.
Though reports are widespread that Clark passed away as a result of a heart attack, he was in fact dispatched in a parking deck sword fight with Seacrest. Extradimensional sources close to Clark report that he was too powerful and beloved to die, and has merely gone on to appear in a higher plane of media.
Rumors that Clark will appear spectrally in a segment called “Dick Clark’s Hauntin’ New Years Eve” were unconfirmed.
Seacrest’s camp released the following statement:
Ryan is pleased to have bested his former master in combat, especially since Clark has not passed, but been picked up by a higher plane of entertainment.
Seacrest continues as host of American Idol, the unsettling music contest show. His representatives have declined to confirm or deny that the show is merely a search-and-filter mechanism designed to find potential challengers for Seacrest’s power so that he can destroy them.
Seacrest himself, however, is oft quoted as saying “There can be only one.”