AMERICA—With all the disasters tearing our country apart as of late, the nation’s leading theologians have concluded that God is really trying to tell us something but is too much of a passive aggressive prick to just come out and say it.
Last week, when rescue teams were sifting through the rubble that was once Plaza Towers Elementary School, they couldn’t help but wonder if this was God’s way of telling us to separate the recycling or something else. “Is this all because I forgot to cut the six pack rings that one time?” asked firefighter Drew Reynolds as he carried another corpse out of the wreckage.
But the Oklahoma tornadoes are just the latest in a series of natural disaster Post-It notes God has left on our nation’s fridge. More tornadoes ripped through northern Texas earlier this month, injuring 100 and killing at least 6. According to Rick Perry, this is probably a direct result of God disapproving of Obama’s stance on gay marriage, but we could never be certain unless He actually tells us instead of killing innocent people.
“The Newtown massacre? The Boston bombings? North Korean nuke tests? Benghazi? What the fuck? Did I leave my clothes in the washing machine too long or what?” asked Ben Harrington facetiously, as his washing machine and home were swept away in October thanks to Hurricane Sandy. “Jesus Christ, God. We can’t read your fucking mind.”
As of press time and the last 2000 years, God was unavailable for comment.