Recovering TSA Agent Can’t Stop Groping

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Your lumps, your lumps, your lovely lady lumps, Grope 'em out!

SANDY SPRINGS–Former TSA agent Chester M. Lester never planned to stay in the agency for his entire career. Sadly, his five years with the agency have now put his dream career in jeopardy.

“From when I was a little boy, I’ve always wanted to be a psychiatrist,” Lester said. “What could be better than helping people get through their lives by repeating whatever they say back to them for an hour and then prescribing whatever medication my pharmaceutical rep is most excited about at the time?”

Unfortunately for Lester, or “Mo,” as friends and family call him, his years with the Transportation Safety Administration have had an effect on him that he’s struggling to overcome.

Though he’s been out of the TSA for nearly two years and completed the necessary degrees and residency to become a licensed psychiatrist, Lester is finding that old habits die hard.

“When people come into our offices, I just have to grope them,” he said. “I just don’t feel safe with someone in the building until I have probed every nook and cranny of their bodies with my hands. It’s not in any way a sexual thing.”

Magdalene Lester, 84, says her Chester is a good boy.

“My Grandson only wants to help people,” Magdalene, or “Ma,” Lester said. “So what if he gets a little handsy with me when he comes to visit? I know he just wants to be safe.”

But Dr. Liszt-Enn, chief psychiatrist where Lester completed his residency, isn’t so sure.

“Mo is a great listener and has great insight into the patient mind,” Liszt-Enn said. “But I worry that he’ll have trouble establishing a practice where he feels up your titties before every session.”

Lester is currently looking for partners to begin his practice.