The Great Atlanta Punoff 2014

Fabulous prizes!
Fabulous prizes!

UPDATE: The Great Atlanta Punoff 2014 was so much fun. Thanks to all who participated. Check out our results and winners!

Hey jerkface. Think your slice of Atlanta is the best? Well unless you live in my neighborhood or suburb, you’re not only wrong, but stupid as well. What can you do about it? Meet me on the field of battle!

The rules of engagement are simple.

To participate, come up with your best pun and tweet it with the name of the neighborhood or suburb you’re repping and the hashtag #ATLPUNOFF on April 1

If you don’t do Twitter, feel free to send it via email to [email protected], slap it up on the Book of Face, or post it on our writer’s forums.

The battle begins at 8 AM EDT (a.k.a. Atlanta Time) and continues until 4 PM. The winner will be judged by Atlanta Banana writers via discussion on our forums.

An example pun might look like this:

If you’re feeling hungry, come down to feast, Atlanta village! #EAV #ATLPUNOFF

Does that pun suck ass? Yes. But it demonstrates that the words “feast” and “east” sound the same, and it has a hashtag for the repped area (#EAV) and the #ATLPUNOFF tag as well, so it would be a qualified entry.

NOTE: Any use of the detestable “Hotlanta” will result in immediate disqualification. That word is just stupid.

Eligible areas are neighborhoods or suburbs of Atlanta’s metropolitan area, but we’re willing to consider any Georgia locale. If you live in Savannah, for example, we’ll gladly accept your puns for consideration, especially if you’ll consider Febreezing your riverfront area.

We will announce the winner(s) at precisely 5PM or so. Some of you will even get prizes, thanks to Criminal Records!

Prize the First: Grand Prize

One grand prize winner will receive a button-free cotton body cover with art of Criminal Records’ choosing emblazoned upon it, meant to be worn on the upper half of a human body.

An example of a button-free cotton body cover on a human woman.
An example of a button-free cotton body cover on a human woman.
Please note that the image at right is not necessarily representative of the cotton body cover our grand prize winner will have the pleasure of claiming. It is merely meant to represent a cotton body cover in general.

Prize the Second: Consolation, Captain Almost

Buck up, first loser. You almost did it! If it were up to us, we’d forget your name forever at this point, but Criminal Records is a lot nicer than we are. They’ll give you a $10 gift card which you can use to purchase music or comics at their shop. You may then use those items to broaden your mind.

Which, you know, let’s be honest. That’s something you kinda obviously need.

Prize the Third: You have a heartbeat!

If you’re too thick even to get second place in our Great Atlanta Punoff, don’t worry. Criminal Records saves the day once again with a prize for all participants: a free unguided tour of their iconic Atlanta music and comics shop.

The shop in question, looking toward Euclid Ave
The shop in question, looking toward Euclid Ave
Yes, you heard that right. All participants in our Great Atlanta Punoff are eligible to claim a free unguided tour.

All you have to do is show up during their normal business hours, operate the door without giving yourself a concussion, and then you’re free to wander the wondrous aisles of the finest music and comics shop in Atlanta. Amazing!

Good luck, participants! We can’t wait to see how you represent your neighborhood with wordplay in our first-ever Great Atlanta Punoff!

Who will be victorious? Will it be Castleberry Hell? Jest Midtown? Or plain ol’ glitzy shopping district Fuckhead? We’ll find out when the battle commences on April 1!

Bring it!