Publix Marathon Prevents Sedentary Atlantan From Eating Publix Donuts

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Hey guys, anyone want to give me a piggyback? Please? PHOTO: JD Harvill

ATLANTA–A man whose movement is normally limited to shuffling toward the refrigerator was outraged on Sunday morning when he was awoken by sounds of cheering and running feet outside his window. Roused from his open-mouthed slumber atop an assortment of discarded Doritos brand snack chip bags, Bruce Futz says he peered out his window to see a marathon going by.

“It’s very insulting to me,” said Futz, who is between jobs and unencumbered by romantic entanglement. “Can’t they go be all healthy and happy out in the fucking woods or something?”

Futz says he then dressed himself in his customary oversized sweatpants and ironic internet joke tee shirt. His plan was to drive to Publix for donuts and cigarettes, but he soon discovered, to his horror, that the race had him hemmed in by car as well.

The race’s organizers hired police to block streets and manage traffic during the morning hours. The streets were cleared and operating as normal by early afternoon, but not soon enough for Futz.

“The whole thing is god damned un-American,” he said. “If I want to cram donuts in my mouth, pausing only to smoke cigarettes, I should be able to do that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Having that time limited to 364 and three quarters days a year is just insulting.”

Futz describes himself as someone who only runs “when chased,” but also admitted that anyone chasing him wouldn’t have very far to run at all.

“Honestly, I’m winded after talking these 5 minutes. Do you have a cigarette? Ugh.”